Things To Do Before You Marry

What am I doing here?

Until this morning I had a happy, sensible and routine lifestyle. Weekdays, I'd catch the seven-thirty train into the city where I work as a mortgage adviser for a national building society. I have a car, but to help save the environment I only drive at weekends. I have a fiancée, her name is Sharon and we are to be married in seven days' time. Last night was our stag and hen nights. She had some friends over and a firefighter named Alan, who is also a stripper. I had a curry and an early bed.

I received the phone call at six twenty-seven this morning.

I'm not at work today. Instead, I'm standing outside what looks like the most dangerous and undesirable pub in the U.K. I have my suit on, but in place of my work tie is one covered with Disney characters. In my left hand is a near empty bottle of tequila. In my right hand is a tab of L.S.D. I swallow it down with the last of the tequila and make my way towards the entrance. In my suit pockets I have a water pistol and a plastic hand grenade. My intentions are to rob this pub.

My name is Max.

What the fuck am I doing here?