Unthinkable

Chapter 22~ Let me Understand

So I let my thoughts go and sleep takes me under.

~

I wake up to delicate sensations on my neck. The butterfly kisses have returned and my foggy mind realizes what is happening quickly. Gale moves my hair aside, flipping it to the front so he can please the back of my neck with his soft and gentle lips. I moan in satisfaction, revealing to Gale that I'm awake. He then gently tugs on my side to flip me over onto my back. My lips arch up into a smile and I laugh a little when his lips diligently touch my nose then my chin.

"Finn might be awake," I mumble.

"No, no," he disagrees. "He just went to sleep. So I hope you enjoyed your nap Catnip," Gale grins. "Nighttime is the only time we're gonna get alone together for a week so we better use it wisely."

"Aren't you tired?" I chuckle.

"Not really anymore . . . not yet at least," he gives me a small smile and then sits up, his back against the headboard of the bed.

I curve my body so that my head is in Gale's lap. He removes my hair from its braid diligently and then softly plays with the thin, worn out strands.

"So tell me about your day," he says lovingly.

I smile slightly at this. Something makes this comment so extremely sweet. Just him asking that makes me feel delighted inside. I am pleased that he cares about how my day went, but I'm not one to carry conversations with ease & so I simply say,

"Not much to tell." Gale sighs at my reply.

"Come on. Tell me the little things. Start to finish, detail after detail." I cover my eyes with one hand and let out a faint groan.

"Why?" I mumble as his fingers move all my hair to one side and then diligently wrap around my wrist to move it carefully, revealing my eyes, pinched shut.

Silence. All you here is the pecks of his lips as each eyelid of mine receives a delicate kiss.

"Because it's important to me." I open my eyes to see Gale's frown. Then guilt overwhelms me.

Although I feel guilty, my intention is still to object. I feel much too weary from my nap to practically tell a short story. However, instead of objection, the start of my day tumbles out from the back of my throat. My words wander along the tiny highlights of my day all the way to the finish. Then, I force him to do the same which he does without complaint and in much more detail than my own.

"Katniss," Gale says with a hint of caution in his voice. I can tell he's going to bring up something I'm probably not going to like by the tone of his voice. I gulp.

"Yes, Gale?" He swallows in a breath of air only to release it moments later.

"Remember the morning you got reaped-"

Gale stops and I realize that I'd unintentionally stopped breathing just at this comment. He places his hand on my thigh and tightens his grip on it to comfort me.

"how you asked if . . . if I'd ever have kids."

I nod solemnly wanting so bad to scream at him in anger for bringing this up, but I decide I'll let the conversation float a little before submerging his little idea.

"Well I'm not asking for kids anytime soon Katniss, I'm really not, I just want to know if it's ever gonna happen . . ."

I move his hand away from my thigh. I take one look at his face and can see the exasperation he's built up for me since the miscarriage. There's one thing Gale hates more than anything . . . probably even more than he hates me right now and that's when people just give up and run away from their problems. However, that is exactly what I often find myself doing. It's what I want to do right now. Run away. Instead, I hug my knees to my chest and fight the urge to bury my head in them.

"I don't know Gale."

I've done it now. I know I have. I hardly even want to look at him. Where sadness would usually appear at this point for most people, it's anger that immediately overwhelms Gale at my comment.

"Well I guess I'm better off asking if you'll ever know then, but maybe not because you'll probably reply with the same old damn comment for that question too. You always do," Gale says firmly. If it weren't for Finn sleeping then I wouldn't doubt he'd be screaming.

"You don't know what it was like Gale," I try to say with anger, but my voice breaks at the memories of the games. Then I can't take it anymore and I completely snap, trying to hold myself together as I do.

"You may think you do, but you don't, that's what your problem is. Maybe if you took time to actually understand it you'd get why I'm afraid to have kids. Let alone I tried to understand you for once and have a kid with you and I thought maybe since that didn't end so well you'd lay off of me a bit, but I guess I was wrong."

He lyes on the bed, a little aghast at my remark. I can see tears glazed over his eyes which reminds me that I've already let go of my own. He sighs. For a moment I think he's just going to apologize, but other words spill out. All of a sudden he's gotten on his knees in front of me on the cushioning of the bed and has grasped my hands, holding them in his.

"You're right Katniss. I know I'm selfish and think of my self sometimes before I do anyone else and that's just who I am and I'm sorry for that."

I'm shocked at what he's saying because usually when Gale gets started up like that he'll continue to fight back and try to prove me wrong until I've convinced myself that I am. But tonight, he's broken, given up for once or maybe not even that. He's just trying to get how I feel.

"Look I wanna understand it all, I really do. I wanna mend things as much as I can until you feel comfortable to do this. I know I'm being horrible for pushing you into this so let me just hear what you have to say each night until I completely get it."

I pause and for a long moment there's silence until he gently says,

"So . . . you can start anywhere, I'm listening."

I knit my eyebrows together in confusion. At first I'm hesitant to go along with this, but I realize I can't be. I've asked for him to understand and now he's trying. So I have to cooperate.

I begin to explain what it was like to hear Prim's name get reaped and why I volunteered and why I couldn't bare to see her go. Just saying her name chokes me up and after five full minutes of explaining this simple piece to the puzzle of my life silent tears are trickling down my face and I can hardly go on. Gale stops me there and pulls me into his arms. I realize this is going to be even harder than I thought, but I still have to be willing to try. And at some point I fall asleep, crying into Gale's comforting arms.