Her

The complete essay

Hero

What is a hero? Its different for everyone now isn't it? For some people it's their grandparent, for others, it's their favorite superhero, for me, it's my best friend Tes, who died this past June when she killed herself. She was everything to me. It hasn't even been 6 months yet, but yet, I can talk about it like it's been 5 years. Yes, obviously I'm sad that she's gone, but yet at the same time, I'm glad she doesn't have to live through the pain she felt every single day. I just wish that I could have said goodbye one last time and told her I loved her. The first day I met Tes was just like any other, I remember she was wearing all white down to her converse and she looked like one of those cool kids who you didn't want to mess with because she would bring you down in an instant. She sat with those girls, you know, the ones who try their hardest to keep up with everything current? She confessed later that she never wanted to sit with them, but it was her first day and she didn't have anywhere else to sit and she definitely didn't want to make any enemies.

The months before she did this seemed almost like any other, the only difference was that she kept making little comments like 'You should message my mom once a day and say something nice to her, I bet she'd like' or 'I feel so bad I want to die' but, who doesn't say stuff like that when they're feeling down? I know I always used to. One day she started telling Sydney and I that we should smile more or try to be happy more often or love ourselves just the way we are, which we always thought was comical coming from the girl who couldn't do any of those things. I started thinking about it more and more until I eventually made an effort to smile at strangers and complement them about something they're wearing just to make them feel better about their day, even if it was already great. She basically trained us to be better people before she left us, so she could know that we weren't reeking havoc on other's lives while she was gone.

Tes was very opinionated. She had opinions on everything from politics to animals. She felt very strongly about every single one. She would never tell anybody they were wrong, but she would list every possible reason they could be wrong. She spent a lot of time on the internet whether it was watching animes or on tumblr or listening to spotify while reading or doing homework. So when she stopped going on her computer as much I began to worry. Last year school year she spent 2 weeks in a mental hospital, but her mom told me that she was sick. I suppose she didn't lie, but I wish she had told me the truth. The first time I had seen Tes in almost 3 weeks was the day we were leaving for the DC trip. We stayed up past our curfew multiple times talking because we didn't have the chance to do so before. We talked about so many things that I never thought I would hear from them. Things I wouldn't say to another living soul if my life depended on it.

Tes was the kind of person who had a lot of different nicknames because she was always doing things to gain them. One day she wore a flower crown and Mr. Fox, a middle school science teacher, gave her the nickname of Hiawatha. I have no idea why. Then one night when we were having a sleepover she was making jokes that mothman was going to come get us. Later, that joke evolved into mothman being a mormon who had 37 wives. We used to walk to class with our arms linked so we made a joke that we were the 3 musketeers, but Tes thought we should have an original name, and Sydney suggested moose because their strong, and Tes suggested Musk Oxen so I mashed them together for Mooskaskin. Weird, I know. She used to eat mcchicken from McDonalds all the time so her family called her that, and her sister made the mistake of saying it to us. Her mom called her Tessie bear. Which is how 'Tessie Mcchicken Bear' became a thing. We had so many jokes with her that I don't remember all of them and I'll randomly remember some of them and laugh and text Syd about them. There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss her but at the same time I know that if she knew I was writing this about her and feeling kinda sad, she would scoff and tell me to stop feeling sorry because she did what she did, and there's no going back now. I love her with all my heart, she was like a sister to me. 

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This is my essay and I own it. I will be writing other stuff about her but this was already done, I plan on making this almost like a memorial type thing. I don't care if anybody even reads this, it just helps to write it down. Please what ever you do, if you EVER feel suicidal, please, please, please message me or someone your really close with because even if you don't think so, you're worth it and someone loves you.

~Lexi