Vanish

I

It's the mantra of
I want to disappear
I want to disappear
I want to disappear
in my mind that keeps me up at night.
It's that voice that always comes out when I think that I'm beginning to get better.
It's the one I hear laugh at my false hopes when I realize that never will i ever be better.
                                    Journal I:
Mom had called me to let me know id be alone in the house the remainder of the day. I never quite minded being home alone, I preferred it actually. However, when for the past month your anxiety and paranoia has been itching at you despite any sort of reassurance, it becomes bad news.
  Tomorrow was Christmas Eve, though I couldn't complain about being alone, my family had things to do. Lack of sleep had really taken its toll, I was groggy and my eyes were sagging it felt like. But i couldn't sleep. The nightmares were back.
  Usually I don't ever see a reason to share personal things, which is why I've not spoken to a friend for days, afraid I'll let something slip or make them unhappy, perhaps ruin their mood due to my own.
These nightmares aren't ones I want to share though. I guess I'm too frightened to see or hear any sort of reaction or response because I'm afraid of what people will think.
  It's currently 3am. I should probably at least try and sleep, and do my best to muffle the voices again.