emmeline

away

My hand grazes the gentle white sheets of my bed as I fall back into the new comfort of the cushioned blankets. The old wood and vague scent of home surrounds me. My eyes close to finally get some rest after the draining trip. A familiar upbeat voice jolts my body awake, "Come on gal, let's go look around!" My eyes roll to the back of my head, the last thing I want to do right now is meet new people. Cassidy's lengthy fingers rest on her hip in her standard look of disapproval. I know she would do this. We can't even have five minutes of peace before her urge to get out kicks in. For as long as I've known her, and that was a long time, she has never stopped talking. The utter opposite of me, because I never talk.

"Fine, I'm Coming," Her eyes never leaving mine as the blankets escape from my body and I strip the clothes that have suffocated it for the past 48 hours it took to get here.
When the door opens, I'm rudely awakened by the sun. The blinding rays reflect against my skin making it almost translucent. I never really believed the sun could get brighter just by moving to a different side of the world, but the iconic state of California has definitely proved me wrong. I wrap up the remaining lace of my converse as Cassidy grabs her overly paid for bag. "You know, this is going to be great for us. Just think about it Freshman year when they gaves us pamphlets of all the different colleges who thought we would actually go to the same one. Let alone UCLA right in the middle of everything pop culture, I mean isn't it great? I heard Nicki works out at the gym on campus." Cassidy's mind continues to wonder aloud as I gaze around the beautiful campus and try to block her out. My hand immediately pulls into my chest as soon as she tries to grab it. "Woah calm down spaz," Cassidy's eyes glance back up to meet my face as my heart comes down to normal speed. "As I was saying your last class ends at eight right?"
"Yeess," I dragged out hoping she didnt noticed how unattentive I really was.
"Okay, we have to be ready by 9:30 if we want to have perfect timing for the party tonight." I stare blankly at her because she already knows my answer to that, no. "I don't care what you say, we are going. The biggest frat house on campus is throwing one and if we want to be accepted into a sorority we have to be seen at it." She knows how I feel about parties, I haven't been to one since Hayden was there to guide my through it. Cassidy's gentle touch pushes back the soft curls of my hair. "Em," her classic sappy blue eyes replicate his as I pull back,
"I gotta go."

~

I return back to my dorm after being tossed endless syllabuses and campus maps. Strangely it seems to be the least of my problems at the moment. I scribble my name at the end of all the pointless paperwork, repeating the motion until my hands stop shaking in frustration. I much rather be in the courtyard with Cassidy, having cliche conversations, and sipping ripp-off nonfat lattes. My legs can seem to move from my seat to create my desired action, and as usual I'm stuck in the same spot. I'm always stuck.

For the next few hours I continue on with my work and organization of my new surroundings. Everything within my control seems to be coming together nicely. I spin in place admiring my work of the dorm and stop right in front of Cassidy's intimidating dresser she brought from home. I linger toward it, considering the party. I want to have an idea of what I would wear. My fingers find an appropriate navy blue backless dress. I slip it off the hanger and slide it onto my body. The smooth fabric fell just right on my boy structured body. There is no way this fit Cassidy's soft curves, pondering the idea I hear the charmed voice.

"It's true, it doesn't," not realizing I was speaking out loud until I snap to meet her face that was surprising only a feet from mine. "I did a little shopping before we left to come here, knowing you wouldn't. I saw this and couldn't help but think of you. Wear it tonight if you like." I couldn't stop looking, in the full length mirror, at the way the dress made me look like I had some kind of shape. I used to own a dress just like this but it got left in Hayden's apartment and I could never bring myself to go back there to get it. Suddenly the dress became too tight and the high neck was suffocating.

Cassidy spins on her heels in a slight pivot and leaves the room. I sit in front of the mirror and cold wood meets the exposed parts of my legs. Going out sounds like a lot of fun. My body is ready to leave but my mind restricts me from continuing to pamper myself even further. There is something that might be comforting about the idea of being locked in a room that is heavily packed with strangers. A new start. My mind get the worst of me and all the possibilities of everything that could go wrong rushes to my brian. I'm overwhelmed with memories of what it could've been, what it should be. No one will ever be him and that could be the best or worst thing to think about.

My hands grip the neck of the dress turning my knuckles white. I find the zipper and struggle to get it undone. The smooth silk releases my body as it slips off me and onto the bed. I throw on the clothes I had on before and tossel my hair. Cassidy's loud music is blasting from the small room with kitchen appliances. Gripping the door handle and sneaking out of the room I find myself in the bathroom. Standing there blankly I go over every edge and ripple of my face through the harsh reality of the mirror. In the time standing there I manage to pull out some makeup and the tool Cassidy used to put the waves in my hair for the senior dance. I go over everything I have out too many times and finally go to pick up a brush. The unfamiliar feel of the dense powers smears across my face leaving my freckles to fade. I continue on, knowing i'm not doing too well but hoping everyone else vision would be too blurry to notice.

Just as I finish I carefully put everything back where it belongs and walk back into my room. I find my body spread out across my bed pushing the dress to the ground. I lie there looking up and counting the small bumps and indents in the ceiling until I can not identify anymore. Touching the unfamiliar texture of my face I conclude that this moment would have to come sooner or later. My body resist against the subconscious force holds me to the bed. Cassidy's music is still blasting, so I use that as motivation to get up.

I sprint to the door before my brain could give it a second thought and ran to the small blue pill shaped speaker that was shaking from the vibration of sound.

"Hey!" she said with an intense stiffness in her voice, " oh. my. gosh. Em you look stunning, please go put the dress back on and leave with me." I spin away from her knowing I would never get out of this now. I lean back on my heels and step back to turn away. She allows me to move but follows my footsteps back into my room. Cassidy marches straight across to pick up the dress. "Now." she glares and under the sharp pressure of her eyes I flinch to grab it. Putting it on, my mind wanders what has changed more today? My thoughts or clothes? The dress compresses my body once again and I look into the mirror. A rush of security races through my body, realizing how long it's been since I've had this kind of confidence in myself. The feeling quickly fades and so does the reflection in the mirror. My feet intertwine as I slowly back away from the vision of myself and into the clutch of Cassidy's hard grip on my shoulders. "Stop overthinking, I know I don't understand how your mind works or how this feels. But Emmeline you look beautiful and I could see in your eyes that even for that second you believed in yourself. Please forget about Hayden and high school and recreate yourself in a new way this year." That was exactly what I needed to forget. I grab my shoes, grip the door handle and turn back to look at her.

"Are you coming?"