“No!” Niall grabbed the paper from Harry’s hand and clutched it to his chest. He didn’t think Harry would actually ruin it. “Why did you do that?”
“You said I could,” Harry replied simply.
“Yeah well I didn’t mean it!” Niall sobbed.
“Stop saying things you don’t mean,” Harry’s voice was quiet and a whisper of emotion appeared deep in his eyes. He looked hurt.
“What else didn’t I mean?” Niall wiped the back of his hand across his eyes and tried to regain some of his dignity.
“When you told me you loved me,” Harry’s gaze locked on Niall’s and the smaller boy found he couldn’t look away. “That was a lie.”
“Stop saying that!” it was the worst pain in the world, every time those words came out of Harry’s mouth. It hurt more than Harry breaking up with him, hurt more than his father kicking him out for liking boys, hurt more than anything Niall had ever imagined. Because he could deal with that stuff. Yes it was bad now, but over time the wounds would heal and he would be able to move on. But knowing that Harry thought his feelings were fake, well that was painful. It was a knife stab to the chest every time he heard it. Knowing that the only person he’d ever felt this, this much for doubted those feelings was more than Niall could take. He didn’t deserve this.
“I love you! I love you! I love you! How many times do I have to say it? When will you believe me? My dad kicked me out of the house. That’s why I’m here. Know why he kicked me out? Because of you! Because I love you! I told my mum. She wanted to meet you. She wanted to have you over for dinner. She wanted to get to know the boy who finally made me happy. But instead you closed the door in my face and wouldn’t listen to Liam when he told you that I came out!” Liam had called to apologize for Harry’s actions earlier in the day. “I did it for you, so I could get you back. Because I heard what you said earlier and I understood how it made you feel like maybe I didn’t care. I never thought about it that way before, but I saw where you were coming from and I fixed the problem. And you still think I don’t care. How can you stand there and doubt how I feel about you? Isn’t it obvious? In the way I look at you like there’s no one else in the world? In the way I say your name like it’s the only thing that’s ever mattered? In the way my eyes light up when I see your face? In the way I melt into your touch? In the way I could sit there for hours without saying a word because just sitting next to you is enough? How can you not see? How can you be so blind?”
By the time Niall finished yelling he was so weak that he felt his legs giving out beneath him. He grabbed the counter for support, knuckles turning white as he clutched it so tightly he was afraid it would turn to dust in his hand. Harry was just staring at him, eyes still oddly blank.
“I’m an artist,” his reply was slow when it finally came. “So no, I’m not blind. I see everything.”
“Then why can’t you see this?” Niall sobbed. “Why can’t you see that I need you?”
“You’re upset,” Harry stated. “You just want a hug and someone to tell you it’s going to get better. That will go away. Then you won’t need me anymore.”
“Don’t you get it Harry? I’ll always need you. When I’m happy or sad or angry or confused or surprised or content or lonely or hungry or bored. If I just need a hug to make me feel better I can go to Louis or Liam. That’s not what I want from you.”
“What do you want from me?”
“I want a hug all the time. Just because. Because you missed me. Or because you’re happy to see me. Or because you just want to cuddle. Or because you love me. I just want you to be there.”
To say Niall was shocked when Harry stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Niall’s skinny frame would be an understatement. He was so surprised that his tears stopped. But he didn’t want to ruin the moment with questions, so he just slid his arms around Harry and held him tightly. That hug, in the middle of Louis’ living room with Niall’s face tear stained and Harry’s devoid of emotion, was probably the longest they shared. When they pulled apart Niall looked up with wide eyes.
“What was that for?” he murmured.
“Because I missed you,” Harry’s eyelids slowly fluttered shut and when the green orbs became visible there was a new light in them. “And because I love you.”
This time Niall’s legs really did give out. But Harry caught him and bundled him closer, nose nudging Niall’s hair as he breathed in the familiar scent. Niall’s fingers were wrapped in the fabric of Harry’s shirt, clinging on as if he was afraid that letting go would mean letting go forever. His face was pressed to the sweet curve of Harry’s neck and he never wanted to move. Harry still loved him!
Harry drew Niall in closer, glad that the smaller boy’s tears had stopped. He hadn’t expected it to hurt as much as it had, seeing Niall that upset over something he had done. He was supposed to protect Niall, to keep him safe, to make him feel loved. But instead Harry had made him cry, had turned his lively blue eyes into twin pools of misery, had wiped all the happiness from his lilting voice. He had destroyed the Niall he knew and seeing this new, sad Niall had been terrible. Harry wanted his Niall back. The Niall who smiled for no reason, who gave out Eskimo kisses, who giggled and laughed and brightened the whole world. Harry couldn’t bear to see someone who had once shone so bright now standing before him as dull as Harry’s wall. It hurt too much.
“You really mean it?” Niall’s breath danced across Harry’s neck and made him smile.
“Yeah,” he murmured softly.
“Harry I’m really sorry I didn’t tell anyone. I’m sorry I made you feel bad about us. I’m sorry I made you think I didn’t care,” Niall would shout it out to the world if that’s what Harry wanted. He knew what it was like to lose the quiet lad and he couldn’t bear going through that again. It would destroy him.
“I’m sorry I ripped your letter,” Harry’s voice tangled in the thick strands of Niall’s hair.
“It’s all right,” Niall laughed lightly. “I have it memorized anyway.”
“I’ll write you another. A list of a hundred reasons why I love you. Starting with number one.”
“What’s number one?” Niall pulled back slightly so he could see Harry’s face.
“You make me happy,” twin dimples sliced his cheeks as Harry grinned down at Niall, eyes dancing.
Niall shook his head and slipped out of Harry’s arms. “No,” he dug around in the pile of art work he had carried from his home and found the one he had snatched from the art building earlier that day. He held the empty self-portrait that Harry had displayed at the art show on the day the green eyed boy first asked him out. Harry took it curiously, glancing down at his own drawing. Then Niall held up a new one, a replica of the first, which Niall had drawn as best as he could. Except there was one huge difference between the two.
The first was black and white, blank but for an outline of Harry’s face. The second was a splash of color, green, brown, red, yellow, orange, purple, every one imaginable. It was a blur of colors that somehow blended perfectly together to fill the empty space left by the first picture.
Niall held it out with a shaking hand and Harry accepted it willingly, green eyes searching for an explanation.
“Reason number one,” Niall pointed to the second of the two drawings. “I complete you.”
The End
