Living in a Fairytale!

Waking up every day to the pain I get when I try to open my eye lids. Even trying to open my eyes hurt. It's been like this since I was a 12 year old little girl, who knew nothing about real pain. The pain and guilt that bas been slowly killing me throughout the years. The miserable years of being stuck in this body, the body that I try so hard to get out of, but with each disappointment it begins to get more hard to get out of. Like if I was trying to jump but gravety pulls me down to were I started.

My name is Caroline Boggs. But everybody calls me Care, I really don't know why but it doesn't bother me at all. I'm 15 soon to be 16. But every body knows me as the 15year old girl who weights 327 pounds. I've been gaining more weight throughout the year since my mom die when I was 12. She was a patient with cancer. Cancer killed my mother. But I think it was also my fault. She died because it was my fault. That is what I tell my self every day. I don't want to believe that my mother died and I guess it's easier for me to take the blame.

I'm 327 pounds because I've been eating my emotions of. Eating helps me control my emotions. Food for me it's like a drug that I can't seem to stop doing. It's like every time I think about my mother's death I automatically start eating. And I really want to stop but I can't. I have to keep eating for me to be able to stop crying every night. And I know it's weird but food helps me sleep sometimes. I know it's not healthy for me, but it's the only way to control my self.

And that is why I have to stay with my dad. He has taken care of me since I was 12. Since my mother died. He a professional trainer. He has tried everything on helping me with my problem. He tried fitness every day. He also tried keeping me on a diet for the past 3 years, but at the end of the day I go back to the unhealthy choices. To the chocolate. I eat 3 to 4 bars of chocolate every night. I mean some days. The thing is that chocolate is like my best friend. The one that sees me cry every night and the one that comforts me. My dad has never seen me cry. I mean the first nights since my mother's death but now 3 years after her death, no.

I used to live in San Fransisco with my dad but we decided to moved to California one month later my mom's death. We thought that it would be a good thing to start over. Meet new people, new house, new school, new jobs, new everything. At the time I thought it was a good idea. To forget the bad things that had happened and try to live a normal life. But for me that is not possible. Why do i have to be a really fat girl? Why do I have to make bad choises in my nutrition? Why cant i let my dad help me with my problem?

I came to California when I was 12. I started 7th grade on CMS or also known as California Middle School. At the time i wasen't really fat, so i had good friends to play with. My best friends name was Crystal Blues and Jonathan Tyger. They were next to me when I needed them. But when I started gaining more weight Crystal started to separate from us. She began to become popular. She was the most popular girl in the 7th and 8th grade. But Jonathan never left my side. He was there for me when I needed him. When I started gaining weight. When I most needed a friend, he was a true friend. Not like Crystal. She left us to be the popular girl. Who does that? Leave there friends to be the popular one? That is stupid.

Eventually Jonathan and I graduated. Crystal also graduated. But for high school Crystal moved to Boston with her dad and Jonathan and I stayed in California and went to California High School together. Freshman year was hard for me. That year I started gaining weight like crazy. I was depressed because my dad lost his job and the doctor said he had a heart problem. If he got over worked out his heart would would be beating slower and slower and he could die.

So 3 years later my mothers death I am a 15 year old girl who weights 327pounds. I dont like living like this. Like i am nothing to people. Like i am dirt. And im almost 16 and i dont want to be like this anymore. I dont want to be the fat girl in 10th grade. The girl who never gets a date to the dance. I want to be like Cinderella! I want to go to a ball in a beautiful dress and dance till midnight with my Prince Charming. And when the clock reaches midnight i will leave him to wonder who i was. He will look for me and at the end he will find me. And I will have a Happy Ever After. That is what I want.