So You Used to Be Human - Book 3 (Original Version)

Chapter 23: Hashtag Never Forget

"Jaime, shut the fuck up."

There was stunned silence in the car even, especially from me as I realized what I'd just said. I hadn't even realized that the words were coming out, but you know what? I'd just reached the point where I was too tired and too shell-shocked to care anymore what Jaime thought about me.

Looking back, I think I'd reached the point where I honestly didn't even want to kiss her anymore, and the thought of seeing her naked didn't even give me a chubby. Okay I take the last bit back since Jaime did have one hell of a body and I can still remember every last inch of it, but my point is that none of that mattered anymore. I'd put her through a special kind of hell in the last months of our relationship and yes the last couple of days had been worse than anything she could have imagine, but come the fuck on already! I'm a fuck-up, but I'm not a monster and everything I had done was because I had cared. Yes I had fucked it up, sometimes massively and epically, but I hadn't done any of it for the sheer joy of destruction and pure evil. Yes you could argue that i was the worst kind of evil, the blasé and clueless kind, but fuck you for thinking that way. As if you've never fucked up up your life despite trying your best. Good intentions do count somewhere... right?

Look: I'd gone through the hell with her, hell because of her, and I had suffered every inch of the way and not once had I thrown it into her face. So yay me for that. Someone give me a fucking medal already. Neither of us had caught any breathing room since we had left Madame Vera's and I knew that she was psychologically exhausted, as much as I was, but how dare she try to blame me and tell me that I didn't care.

I was just tired of being the whipping boy all the goddamn time, no matter how much I deserved it. Am I being whiny? Maybe I am, but then fuck you too. I was just too goddamn tired.

"Do you expect me to breakdown and cry to show you how much Paolo's death affected me? Have you ever considered that I may just do that later when I have a chance to sleep and maybe process some of this shit? I will never forget Paolo. Poor dumb stupid Paolo whose only crime was being there the same time as Beatrice. I will hashtag that motherfucker if I have to and it will be seared into my brain. He died because of me and I will remember him in my own goddamn way when I have the time to feel guilty that I'm still alive. Every single person who has died by my hand or because of me, I remember their faces. Usually because they were a vampire and they're going to be coming back for revenge later... but for those who don't come back, sometimes that's all I have, because I didn't even know their names, and just called them 'dude' or 'hey you over there'. But I remember. Hashtag Never Forget Paolo."

Silence.

"Hashtag Never Forget Paolo," Jaime whispered, shaking her head. "You're such a doorknob, and I mean that in the best possible way." She looked back at me and there were tears in her eyes, real tears that spoke of the exhaustion she was feeling. "It's times like this that I remember why I fell in love with you in the first place... so thank you for that Bob."

"Sorry I told you to shut the fuck up."

"No you're not."

"You're damn skippy, but it still had to be said."

"Okay!" Sammy said and there was a dangerous edge to her voice. "Now that you two have come to terms with t\what a fucked up situation this is, can I just point out what a fucked up situation this is?"

We both looked at her in shock.

"Bob, you are a complete fucktard. I just want you to know that. You've been a vampire for a whole goddamn year and you don't even know the basics. I've been fucking a vampire for the past three months and I know more about vampires than you do, because when you fuck someone, even if you say it's casual, you learn things about the other person, you know? And you talk to each other and find out all the little secrets, things that you've figured out that you feel so goddamn proud about, you know, and you're just so excited to share them with someone else."