Healing Takes Time

Chapter 28

Hurt? What is he-- It dawned on me then. He was talking about mine and Mom's modified conversation in the kitchen about the birds and the bees. Was she still upset? I apologized, and I meant it. Did she not believe me? She said she believed me--said it was okay. Was... was she lying to me?

I heard the chair get pushed back. Walking or pacing. "I didn't get hurt. What makes you think that?"

He grumbled for a few moments. "I could see your face from outside. You were obviously upset. And I could hear what you guys were saying, and I just... I got mad."

"Hm." I could tell she was nodding. "Maybe I was a bit upset. But it's okay. He didn't mean it. It's his defense mechanism." Her voice was gentle. "You know this, seeing as how he's our son, and he has been for almost eighteen years."

"I know that," he replied. I could tell he was getting frustrated. "But you think he could be a bit more tactful or at least learn how to rein it in every once in a while."

I realized Marco was looking at me while he was listening, not even bothering to pretend to be asleep anymore.

"Levi, you know he's done a really good job of 'reining it in', as you say. This is the first real outburst in a long time." Her voice was still patient.

"Yeah, cause he's always in his room ignoring us," he muttered.

She went on as if he hadn't even spoken. "And it was only because I freaked him out. It's not a big deal."

"Freaked him out?" He was getting upset again but still managed to keep his voice low. "I don't care if he got freaked out--he hurt your feelings! You coddle him too much."

"I don't 'coddle' him at all. He has... a long history of bad emotions. You know that too. I don't like stressing him out."

I could see the wheels turning in Marco's head, trying to figure out what Mom meant. Dread filled my abdomen, and I got goosebumps. Don't figure it out, please. Guys, don't say it. Don't say it, don't say it, don't say it...

"He was depressed, Hanji." I closed my eyes and felt my stomach drop as I let out a quiet breath. He said it. He fucking said it. Yes, I had been depressed when I was younger, and it wasn't something I liked to think about very much because of how painful it was.

"He isn't now," he continued after a deliberate pause. "You need to quit treating him like a child. You can't protect him when he goes into college. He needs to grow up and learn to control his emotions and his mouth."

"Oh, Jean...," Marco breathed. I refused to open my eyes. I didn't want to see them fill with pity. With sadness. With sympathy. I didn't want it, and I sure as shit didn't need it. Not now, not ever.

"Levi, that's enough," she said sharply but still quietly. "I don't know what crawled up your ass and died, but I don't like it."

"What the hell? Crawled up my--"

"Yes, what crawled up yours. You need to knock it off." She sounded totally pissed now. "Did anything you say this morning mean something to you? Cause I'm starting to think it didn't. Jean is trying, Levi. He's trying. On the way to the lake tonight he apologized for saying what he did. If you'd been there, you would know that he obviously meant it. He was upset too. Don't think I didn't notice those looks you were throwing him all evening. You hurt his feelings too."

He scoffed. "Feelings."

"He has emotions too, you know. As you so elegantly put it earlier, he had depression, and getting glares from his own father over something small does not help. Despite what you say and what he thinks, he isn't Superman. He's still human. He can still get hurt--he's fragile."