Living Again

Living Again~ Thirty-Five

Chairs moved. People got up and I heard the door open. I felt a nudge on my shoulder and someone said something to me but I couldnt make out the words. It's like everything was in slow motion. Like someone was stabbing me continuously and I couldn't do anything about it. She was dying.

It was then that I decided that losing someone immediately, without knowing they were going to die, is better than losing them like this. With my parents, it was all so sudden, I didn't have time to register what was happening until it was too late. But with Grandma, I feel so helpless, I KNOW she will be dead soon but I can't do anything about it. That has to be the worst feeling in the world.

"Marissa!"

"Huh?" I snapped out of my thoughts and saw Claire looking at me impatiently.

"Don't you want to see her? Let's go."

I let her drag me there and vaguely remember the nurse telling us not to startle her and only a few people can enter the room at one time.

We weren't headed into the emergency room. During the time we were talking to the doctor, they had moved her to one of the wards in the 'CCU' unit, which I assumed was for patients with heart problems.

The others were sympathetic enough to let me and Claire go first. I gasped when I saw her. She looked so fragile and breakable. She had a quite a few tubes attached to her body. Her eyes were closed but I was assured by her chest falling up and down rhythmically as she breathed in and out.

Claire went up to her and grabbed her hand gently, she smiled but her eyes were tearing up. I let her have her time with her mother, and sat on a stool next to the bed.

"When I was a little girl," Claire sole softly, "I used to be so restless, specially at night, I would be too hyper to go to sleep. Then your Grandma would tuck me in, and hum to me soothingly until I was calm and I would easily fall asleep, her voice the last thing I would hear before drifting off."

I don't know why she was telling me this, but I didn't mind. I only knew her as a grandmother, and it was good to know that even as a mother she was amazing.

After a few minutes, her eyes fluttered open and we gave her time to adjust. I saw her look at Claire, and smile ever so slightly. She must be so tired.

"how are you feeling momma?" Claire whispered to her, leaning in closer.

"I'm perfect!" but her voice cracked.

I could feel my eyes getting tingly, but I couldn't cry, not in front of her. So before she could even notice I was here, I silently left them room, leaning against the wall outside it, trying to get myself together.

Moments later the door opened and Claire stepped out, "She wants to see you."

I took a deep breath in, wiped the last of my tears, and went inside. I sat by her bed and she took my hand in hers. "I'm going to be okay, Marissa."

"I know Grandma, I know."

"Then why were you crying?"

"I wasn't." 

"You can't lie to me, dear." And I guess that was true. "Well, enough about me, tell me, how was school?"

How was school? Terrible? Painful? I fought with my best friends? I found out how much they had been hiding from me? But I couldn't tell her all that.

"It was fine, just tiring. The semester just started so at least we don't have tests or anything."

Grandma said, "That's good. And when am I going to see your new friends that you told me about? Specially your boy, Ethan! I can't leave this world until I see that young man, I need to tell him that if he ever break's my little girl's heart he's gonna have to deal with me!"

I would laugh at that, I really would, except it hit me, at this point, she would never get to see Ethan. 

I smiled, "He's really busy with his family and stuff, don't think he can come here anytime soon."

"Oh come on! Please, Marissa? What if he's my future grandson? Let's face it, I won't make it until your wedding but at least I should get to see him right?"

Now she was going to try to make me feel guilty. Great. And I doubt HE would be her future grandson, we pretty much broke up last time I saw him. My last words to him were, "Don't you dare touch me Ethan." And I just ran away from him. Right now, the last thing I wanted to see was his lying, cheating face.

"Did you two get into an arguement or something?" Grandma asked warily. It was like she was psychic or something, no point lying to her now.

"We broke up."

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry! What happened?"

  "I don't really wanna talk about it."

"I hope it was just a small thing, because the way you described it, he was perfect for you." She sighed, then looked up at me. "Marissa, we both know I won't be here for long.."

"DON'T say that! They... they might be able to help you. You'll be fine.."

"Shhh shh, it's ok honey." She patted my hair because I was already crying pathetically. She was the one dying, yet she had to comfort me.

"I love you Grandma."

"I love you too baby girl. " She warned me then, "Ok, I'm gonna go all wise old lady on you, but please just hear me out okay?" I nodded so she continued, "No relationship is ever perfect. And that's because no one person can be perfect. People screw up a lot, but we learn from our mistakes. Now, I don't know what happened between you two but I just want to say that sometimes in life you just have to forgive and forget, because you love the person enough that you still want them in your life."

I was struck by her words, wise indeed. I smiled at her gratefully, "Thanks Grandma."

"No problem honey." She didn't bring up Ethan again after that, not even to say that she wanted to meet him. I don't think I could face seeing him again, and despite her kind words, I still didn't think me and Ethan could work out. There was just too much going on in my life for that. 

I left the room so the other family members could see her then when it got late we left. Not for long, the next day I went to visit her again, not caring about missing school, and just stayed there with her. We talked and laughed and cried. I needed her so much.

I was practically living in the hospital for the next few days. The day would be good, but then at the end of it I couldn't put it into words. It's like the memories would just blur into one big picture. I could feel it though, I could feel the end coming. And that scared me.