Summer's Last Breath

Part 43

Noah didn't answer and we continued to hold on to each other until our emotions were spent and I was left shaking under the cool wind and the haunting thoughts of what I'd just done, of what might have happened if Noah hadn't come.

Taking my hand, Noah guided me back to the house. I tried to walk, but I was so stiff with cold I stumbled, and he lifted me into his arms and carried me into the house.

Everything felt different now. Jamie was gone. He wasn't coming back. This wasn't my house anymore. I didn't belong here. My place in this world was in jeopardy without Jamie. I wasn't sure I could exist in this world without him.

Noah took me straight to his room and into the bathroom. I trembled uncontrollably while he turned on the water in the shower, his movements burdened. I put my hand over the mound of my stomach, noticing how my fingers were purpled with cold.

"I didn't mean it," I told him, chattering through the words. "I didn't mean it."

I begged him to believe me. I'd never do anything to hurt mine and Jamie's baby.

"I know." His eyes were solemn and his hands gentle as he helped me peel off my clothes and guided me under the spray of water as though I were incapable of taking care of myself. The hot water hit my cold skin like the spray of tiny needles and I turned my back to the sting.

Noah closed the shower door and I watched his distorted image sit on the toilet, cradling his head in his hands. I closed my eyes, letting the water warm me.

I didn't mean it.

Minutes later, I heard Noah leave and the door close behind him. I wanted to call him back. I didn't want to be alone with myself, this person I didn't know anymore. The water chased away the bite of cold, but it did little to alleviate the bite of shame. Shame that stayed with me as I toweled dry before wrapping the towel around me, and still I shook. My fingers curled around the edges of the sink, and I dared a glance in the mirror. The girl I saw was unrecognizable, her lips still tinged with blue, her eyes so lifeless. Ashamed.

I didn't mean it.

And then I turned away because I couldn't look at that girl anymore.

When I opened the bathroom door, I found Noah sitting on the end of his bed. He'd put on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and pulled his damp hair into a ponytail. His eyes honed in on mine so sharp I had to look away, afraid of the accusation I might see in them.

The mattress gave when I sat beside him and for long minutes neither of us spoke. The steady rate of his breath soothed my still jumbled emotions. If he hadn't come... I didn't want to think about what might have happened if he hadn't come.

"Don't tell anyone," I said, shame making my words sound small and thin.

"I won't." He reached for my hand and curled his fingers around mine. "I miss him too."

Something in his voice prompted me to look up, and it was as if I were back in the bathroom staring at a stranger in the mirror, as though losing Jamie had turned us into different people.

Hopelessness spiraled its way up from deep inside me and made its way into my throat, stealing my voice. I had no comfort to offer him. There wasn't a silver lining to Jamie being dead. There wasn't any hope to cling to.

And then she moved. My eyes closed and a wave of pure relief washed over me, and I realized this was what I'd been waiting for ever since Noah had pulled me out of the Gulf. I'd needed to feel her move.

I lifted Noah's hand and guided it to my stomach. She kicked again and I watched with teary eyes as Noah's face registered shock then wonder.

"That's her?" he asked, staring at my hand over his.

"Yes. That's Lyla." The water had been so cold. I'd been so cold. I'd thought in the shower—no, I wouldn't think about it anymore. She was moving. She was safe. Noah had saved us.

I smiled, though I was sure it wasn't much of one.

"I felt her for the first time that day. I was sitting in class and it was just a flutter, but I couldn't wait to get home to tell Jamie."

Noah was staring at me with this odd intensity, keeping his warm hand on my stomach. I had no idea what was going on behind those eyes.

"I think we should get married."

Whatever I'd been expecting him to say, it wasn't that.

"You don't mean that."

"Yes, I do. Jamie would want me to take care of you."

I loved Noah so much at that moment. And if I'd thought there were a chance I could love him in a different way...

"It might sound like a good idea now but I'd end up hating you because you're not Jamie, and you'd end up hating me because I'm not someone else, someone you love."

"I do love you. You know I do."

"I love you too, Noah, but not like that. You know it's not like that with us. If I even thought it could be..."

His sweet offer broke my heart and that was unexpected too. I hadn't known it was possible for my heart to break more. It felt like it was in so many pieces already. Every time I breathed I thought I could hear those pieces rattling in my chest.

"I'm not going to marry you, but it was really sweet of you to ask." I laid my head on his shoulder and I closed my eyes, knowing I'd be lost without him.

"He really is gone, isn't he?"

Still he wouldn't answer.

It wasn't until later, when I was back in Jamie's room, with the sound of the surf rolling through the window that I reached for his pearl. Sometimes if I held to it I could fall asleep for a few hours.

And then I remembered. It was gone. Lost in the Deep. Just like Jamie.