If I could save you

If I could save you : Chapter 2

The room felt stifling, like the air had disappeared from it. Mira needed to leave the room and sort out her thoughts. But not here, where she felt suffocated for no reason.
The nurse station was right in the middle of the hall outside the private rooms, her room being at the farthest end. Making a quick note of the station that had only a night nurse busy attending a phone call, Mira quietly slipped out unnoticed. Instead of using the elevator which would have bought unwanted attention, she used the main stairway to reach the next floor. Here she kept moving until she came across a sign which read emergency exit. Before she met anyone who would sent her back to her room, she pushed opened what turned out to be a fire door. She entered a small room with a different set of internal staircase meant to be used in case of emergency. Mindlessly she took the flight of stairs and after a long climb she reached the end of it. Having not regained her strength completely Mira waited to catch her breath on the top of the stairs. To her relief, it opened easily when she pulled the handle. The night air gushed in and Mira contemplated only for a second before she stepped out on to the rooftop of the hospital building.

Slowly she found herself walking and with each unsteady step, her heartbeat raced, her hands felt cold and clammy despite the warm night. All this time she had been avoiding anything associated with the accident. She knew she shouldn't be here, high above but something kept nudging her forward to reach the roof edges. As a safety measure, a low protective wall was the only thing that ran around the whole perimeter of the roof. She could make out the city lights from far below. Along the concrete road, the recognizable street lights of Marine drive were emitting a brilliant golden glow. Right then the city and Mira were at total contrary to each other. The city appeared alive but Mira felt differently. Hurtful memories washed ashore her mind, sweeping her along. Gradually she felt herself suck into the labyrinth but she wasn't looking for an escape and was letting herself lost in it.

The cough startled Mira. Without asking, it pulled her out of the maze, which she hadn't been able to. It took a while for her to realize that she might not be alone on the roof. Someone else was here besides her. Taking a step back, she gave a quick glance around and saw no one. LED roof lights flooded the roof with a white glow but some parts had shadows falling. She finally noticed a small cloud of smoke hover at one such place. There were big solar panels installed on the roof which obscured her view. Reluctantly she went closer and she could recognise the smell of burnt cigarettes. A room which looked like a storage room came into sight. As Mira's eyes adjusted to the dim light she could make out the form of a man sitting on the floor, leaning against the room wall. He didn't come forward on seeing her. He just stayed where he was. Neither spoke a word as Mira stood there. Mira thought he was oblivious of her presence. He went on with what he had been doing when she found him. Smoking away without a care.

Because she stood there for long he finally spoke up, "Are you going to tell on me?"

Flustered and surprised by what he said, Mira shook her head in reply. She wasn't going to tell on him for coming up here to smoke. Smoking is prohibited anywhere in the hospital premises but it looks like he found a place to do so without getting caught. Mira could see that he wore a similar patient wear like hers.

"I won't either," he assured back, like a mutual understanding. Both of them were here looking for an escape, hiding from the world.

"Do you mind if I..."
Mira stopped herself midway. There was no reason for her to be here with a complete stranger. But she didn't want to go back yet. She didn't want to be alone with feelings that gnawed and thoughts that torments.
"Sit," he completed the sentence for her. She quietly sat down at the other end.
"Do you mind?" he questioned raising the cigarette in his hand. Mira noticed the IV cannula fixed on his hand with adhesives. Mira knew about it because she had hers removed yesterday. They had used it for giving her blood and fluids.
"No," she replied.
Both of them sat there in complete silence with the night as their company. Mira went back and forth to her conflicting thoughts as he quietly smoked the cigarette one after another, the burnt cigarette stubs piling up near him. Mira stared at the sky above. It had started to lose its night hue, the dawn will make the darkness fade in a while.
When he spoke again, Mira was at loss.

"This building has twelve storeys. Each storey around ten to twelve feet. That's more than hundred and twenty feet." He looked at the same spot she stood minutes before. After a pause, he added," It's a long way to down below."

It hit her hard because it was unexpected; because she couldn't deny it outright. The compelling thought of stepping over the edge had come to her when she had been there struggling with it. Unable to respond, she got up abruptly and left. Her limbs, sore from sitting long made her limped. Pain replaced the numbness and with the pain, anger raced through her veins. She couldn't distinguish if the anger was at her own self or at the stranger who instigated it with his words that spoke the truth.
She had reached the door but she turned around to retrace her steps back. Her voice trembled with the admittance,"You are right. I'm in the hospital because I had tried to kill myself."
A memory of passing out in the apartment in her own pool of blood assaulted her mind. She countered back his words,"Since I already tried once... Why not again?"
Her question seems to stand out in the quietness of the night. Mira was tired of pretending to be all right when she was on the verge of falling apart. She was tired of going through the motions of life, when life itself seems to smoother her.
The anger gradually dissipated as something else finally gave away. All the unshed emotions that had remained buried were resurfacing, finding their way out. Mira did something which she had been unable to do till now, she cried her heart out. The tears did not stop as she opened up to him like she had never to anyone after the incident.
He neither consoled nor stopped her. He just sat there listening to her broke down in front of him. It must have been a long time before she finally calmed down. Emotionally drained Mira sat quietly, her head hung low.
He spoke then, his voice breaking through the silence."You think it's unfair that he died but you lived...You feel guilty for surviving that day."
Suddenly Mira felt herself choked with fresh emotions realising what he said was the truth. She had been feeling it ever since and more so after the memory returned of watching Vivaan die with her own eyes.
"It's not wrong to feel the way you felt...and sometimes it makes us want to challenge our own fate...to go up against the very thing that makes us suffer," he reflected.
Silence followed and Mira took in every word he said. For some reason Mira felt he understood her, understood why she had tried to take her own life and put an end to the helplessness she felt, being at the mercy of the memories.

The stranger who had been carefully listening was going to let her know what he thought."You want to stop living but that day he did everything he could to see that you live..."

Mira finally looked up and he posed a question,"Would you be able to break that promise again?"
She felt overwhelmed remembering how Vivaan's only concern had been to get her to safety, risking his life. And she had tried to end the life he saved. The stranger made Mira understand what Vivaan wanted from her. She now remembered the particular dream she had on waking up in the hospital. Whether it was her mind reminding her of the forgotten promise or whether Vivaan had somehow found his way into her dreams, she understood. He would have never wanted her to let go.
As she got up to leave, Mira didn't know what to say to the stranger who sat with her all night. He quietly resumed his smoking, a cigarette in his hand and eyes that now avoided hers.
She had reached the door when she turned around hearing him again."I'm relieved that you changed your mind."

Dawn had finally come and there was a pale yellow glow to the sky. Mira stood there getting a clearer look of the stranger for the first time. One moment he had made her angry and in another cleared the cloud in her mind. She wondered if she will remember this stranger's face if they ever meet again. Before she could say anything, the door to the roof opened. Startled, Mira stepped behind it afraid that someone had found out that she was not in her room. A man who seems to be a hospital staff appeared. Suddenly she heard the stranger coughing and Mira realised he had done it deliberately to divert the man's attention. Hesitantly she took the chance he gave her. As she began to go down, Mira felt worried realising he will be in trouble too if discovered because he had also trespassed on to the roof.
Suddenly Mira halted on the stairs, hearing the man speak aloud.

"Dr Aditya, we have been looking all over for you."