Help Me Feel

Help Me Feel - As Time Went By

By the time Art rolled around, I was getting desperate. I almost needed to skip class, but I knew Brandon would ask questions so I forced myself to go, forced myself to smile like everything was okay. I just had an hour, and then I could go. I could be calm again.

“Excited for the weekend?” Brandon asked me, and I nodded, my leg bouncing up and down quickly.

“Yeah, can't wait,” I told him, grinning. It wasn't real, not entirely, but the sentence was true. I was excited for the weekend, because I needed the damn release.

“So, Monday, I'll pick you up at nine?” He made it a question, but I knew he would do it anyway.

“Sounds good.” I couldn't sit still. I tried to focus on the day's assignment – use shading to show the difference between happiness and sadness – but I couldn't. All I could think about was getting home to where I was free.

“Seriously, are you okay?” Brandon asked, as I screwed up again. All I was trying to do was make the paper go from white to almost black using a pencil and different levels of pressing it to the paper, and I couldn't even seem to do that.

“Fine, Brandon,” I said, hoping I didn't sound annoyed. I wasn't mad that he was concerned, but the way I felt right now could mean I would snap at him for no real reason.

“Okay, just wanted to make sure.” We were both quiet for the remainder of the class. I turned my paper in with five minutes left and packed up my stuff while I waited. A minute before the bell rang, I told Brandon I'd see him on Monday. The exact second it rang, I ran for the bus. I needed to get out, and fast. I sat on the bus in my usual seat impatiently, muttering under my breath, “come on, come on.”

I had to go, I would run if I could, but it wouldn't help. It wouldn't be fast enough.

By the time the bus finally left the school, I was close to tears in need. Before now, the longest I'd been without had been around three days. Now, however, it had been almost three weeks, and I could feel the stress building inside of me.

Need release. Need release. Need release.

I couldn't think of anything else, couldn't get those two words out of my head.

Need release. Need release. Need release.

I'd never been more thankful that I lived close to the school. Reaching my house seemed like a blessing, and I found I had never run faster in my life.

My door was unlocked, I only locked it if my father was home when I left, and it was another thing I'd never been more grateful for.

Need release. Need release. Need release.

How had it gotten so bad throughout the day? I couldn't tell. Today was the last day I could give myself, I had to do it now. I had to. I couldn't handle not cutting anymore.

I went for my knife, only to realize I didn't have my bag on me. It was okay, I could get it on Tuesday. For now I'd use a kitchen knife. There was no other option.

I grabbed the knife and didn't bother to go anywhere else before making the harsh cut on my wrist. It stung, but it wasn't enough. So I did it again, a little higher up. Also better, but I needed it. I switched the blade from my right hand to my left, making another cut on my right arm, and sighed as I felt the sharp pinch. This was what I needed. I needed to see this.

I could feel the blood trickling off of my arm and onto the floor, even smell the faint metallic hint of it. I could see it forming a puddle. I was calm again, the blood was calming me down.

I heard the phone ring, but it sounded distant, far away. I frowned, trying to take a step to grab it, but I stumbled. My vision was hazy, and I knew right then I'd done something wrong. I hadn't been careful, hadn't thought, and this wasn't good.

I blinked twice, trying to stabilize myself, but it was no use. Everything was fuzzy, blurry, spinning out of control.

I hadn't wanted this. I hadn't wanted to end things this way. But if that's the way it worked, I could only hope Brandon forgave me for not telling him.

The phone stopped ringing, and I groaned, falling to the floor. I'd barely even made it three steps, but now I wasn't sure if I was even awake. Was I still alive? I couldn't be sure.

The phone started ringing again, but this time I wasn't sure if it was my imagination or something else.

I heard yelling, but it was so faded I wasn't sure if it was male or female. It could have been a robot and I wouldn't know. All I knew was someone was here, and there was a good chance I might make it out alive now.

“Andrea! Shit, why the hell did you do this?” The voice shouted, sounding distorted but closer. It was male, and an attempt to open my eyes showed... Brandon.

“I'm sorry,” I tried saying, but even I knew my voice was barely even there.

“Don't you dare die on me! Oh, my God, Evie, seriously, I'm driving her to a hospital. Tell mom and dad -,”

That was all I heard.