This story is not one of those stories in which a young person discovers a world full of secrets and searches for adventures all around the world.This is not a love story in which the two people kiss in the end and live happily ever after.This is not a story about fictional creatures or magical treasures and dreams coming true.This story doesn't take place in magical worlds full of fairies,mermaids or supernatural beings or full of happy endings.
This story takes place in reality.
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"Come on,Edan!Oh and don't forget your backpack!"
I didn't answer.I was not sure how my voice would come out.I would probably stutter a lot.This happens quite a few times.Whenever I'm even a little bit nervous it's like someone is turning and turning my vocal cords and they can't sit still for a moment.I'm stuttering and I can't breathe.I have to open my mouth and take a big fresh breath in order to live without suffocating to death.It's also this feeling that someone is holding an open stove in front of my face.The worst is the breathing though.I'm too scared that someone is going to hear me breathing like that and they're going to think that I'm weird so I don't breathe much which leads to me almost fainting.One time I even did.It was the first day in eighth grade and I was very anxious.I was sitting next to this kid and he seemed to be thinking that he was the best and he commented on everybody generally without talking to somebody specifically.I held my breath.I didn't want to be the one commented on.Who knows what this kid would have said about me to his friends.I held it for half an hour unbelievably and then I couldn't take it anymore and I fainted.I don't remember if I fell unconscious on the floor or if someone caught me or something.I actually don't remember a thing.I was unconscious for two hours and lost the whole "meeting with the teachers" thing.It was worse than breathing weirdly.My teacher and mom say that what really happened was that the kid next to me caught me at the last minute and got very upset about me fainting.He wanted to help me and even went to the hospital with me.Nobody really knows why.Weird thing is that now,this kid is my best friend.He still hasn't told me the reason though.
I run and grab my backpack.At that time of day I've already had my French lessons and I'm now going to my karate class.My karate lessons take place in this small white building that is surrounded by cherry trees.There are two canvases of watercolored art that are covering the windows and a huge window on the back door.That's why it's very sunny inside.I always feel at home when I go there.I sit alone after the lesson has finished and do my homework on the stairs.I sometimes just sit there and look at the people and cars passing by.What makes me anxious are the kids there.There's of course my best friend,Brandy and his big brother,Kyle.But there's also this weird and extremely tall guy that hangs out with some scary looking boys at the back of my school building.They sometimes call out at the people there and the students and curse them or just laugh really loudly.
I was scared to go to school because they were there all the time.The teachers are always very mean and selfish but I really don't care about that.They put us a ton of homework which always makes me feel anxious.I feel like I've never finished it and that I'll never become successful or go to a good university.After school I like to sit inside my room and listen to some uplifting music.It cheers me up and distracts me.After that I study but I always feel like I'm unable to speak to anybody.Like I'm about to cry every single time I utter something.My voice breaks all the time.Sometimes I don't even know why I'm crying but I just sit there and do just that.Then,I laugh at myself for being that weak and crying for nothing or letting anxiety get to me.
I walked into the small building and silently waved at Brandy and Kyle.Kyle nodded at me and Brandy gave me a huge,full of straight white teeth smile.He came over and beamed at me.
"What is it this time?"I said and scowled at the floor.I looked at my shoes.They looked like I've been through a hurricane that lasted four years.I continued looking at the floor.
"Oh,it's nothing...just got an A on my English test!"he said and smiled widely again.I looked up.I couldn't be sad anymore.I still felt this empty space in my heart,this nagging feeling,this lump in my throat.I had this thought that I would never be completely happy again.I would be anxious and sad and feel incomplete all my life but that it would be okay just for this moment.
I smiled at him lightly.
"Congrats,Brandy,you deserve it!"I said and high-fived him.He smiled again.Whenever I see him,even for five minutes,his smiles are just uncountable.Of course,his smiles were even more today.Brandy had struggled with dyslexia for more than five years and hearing now that he had passed a test with such a good grade that even I don't get sometimes made me very happy.
"Don't worry,Ed,you'll get it next time."he said and smiled once again.Would he ever stop?How could he smile that much and how can all his smiles be that...true?That real...
Our daily practice started while our teacher stepped in.He looked at us and in a matter of seconds we had already started practicing.We did more than five sets and finally we sat on the floor and took some breaths.Mr Okamaki's usual commentary started:
"Kyle,your kicks were not high enough but still I was impressed by your progress on the second set.Brandy,great job.I think that your punches can get better but you're still very good.Dean,perfect as always.Edan,what's gotten into you?Your kicks and punches have been getting weaker and your defense is not as good as it used to be.You know that your hand should be higher than shoulder's length,right?I expect better of you next time."he said.He saluted us with the usual bow and then left.I looked at my feet again.I knew that I was getting weaker.I could feel it but I couldn't control it.I just didn't know that people could see it.I didn't know that my pain could be seen since I only felt it.
"It's okay,buddy,you'll get better.You'll be okay."Brandy said and patted my shoulder.He grinned sympathetically and stood up to go grab his lunch.
I know they say that gingers have no souls and all this stupid things but Brandy is the only person I know that has ever cared for anybody and encouraged me.Maybe people don't need souls but just gratitude,patience and a heart.I don't think I have any of those but I don't think that I'm person either.But if I'm not human then what am I?
