The feeling of Christmas, to everyone else, is warm and happy. To me, it is filled with regret and despair, nervousness and sadness. A mixture of snow and leaves crunched under my feet as I walked up the path that lead me right to the cause the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. The hills surrounded me, not another soul in sight. Who else would be here on Christmas Eve? Everyone was at home with their families. Parents were preparing children for the big jolly guy to come and give them presents. I always found that a bit creepy, some dude breaking into your house and leaving you “gifts”. He must have to be stalking you the rest of the year to know what you want. It really is a weird practice.
I never believed in Santa as a kid. I was the spoil-sport. The one that knew right from the start, but I pretended for my sisters: Maria and Julia. I loved the smile on their faces as they ran downstairs hoping Santa got them what they asked for. Their excitement was amazing as they peeled open the brightly colored boxes, hoping to find treasures inside. It was awe inspiring, the look of innocence in their eyes. The world hadn’t interfered with their happiness, and I wanted it to stay that way.
There weren’t many footsteps on the path I was taking, and if there were, they always broke off onto their own path eventually. I knew that no one had gone where I was going. Everyone else seemed to forget her. But I didn’t. I still visited her every year. Who else would update her on what was going on? Who else could tell her what it feels like to finally be 18? Tell her who won the Bachelor this season, or that Michael Phelps is the best Olympian that ever lived? No one had that kind of time; no one besides me.
The hills continued on. My footsteps filled with anticipation. What would she look like? What if I didn’t even recognize her? Though even the thought of not recognizing her is fairly unrealistic. She always looked the same. Soon, my footsteps were the only ones, surrounded by a blank white canvas. No one knew this place, no one came here. It was a place where I could vent and say everything on my mind.
“Hey Maria, it’s me, Jaymes. How have you been? Is it nice where you’re living? How are they treating you?” I sat across from her with my legs crossed Indian style.
“The past year has been rough. I turned 18 though, and got a couple of tattoos.” I took off my gloves and rolled up the sleeves on my jacket.
“They’re both for you. See? One says Maria, that ones on my wrist. And one is a ribbon. The ribbon that controlled my life without knowing. The ribbon is on my pinky. Remember we used to make all those pinky promises? Remember the last one we made, a year and a half ago? Boy, those were the days. I kept that promise Maria. I never forgot. That ribbon kills me. Its supposed to stand for hope, but all it really stands for is despair and loneliness. It stands for something that none of us can control." I ran my fingers over my inked wrist and slowly pushed the cold fabric of my jacket back to its original position.
I stared at her for the longest time, just studying her. I wanted to take in every detail. I didn’t know how long it would be until I saw her again. The sound of silence filled the air. Silence really did have its own sound. It sounded like a cry for help. It begged someone to fill the empty air with noise. I had no noise to fill it with.
I finally broke the silence.
“Guess what? I won!” The corners of my mouth turned upwards, for what seemed like the first time in months. Then it occurred to me that she didn’t know what I was talking about.
“Oh, yeah. I won varsity states this year! I decided to wrestle 132 and it really paid off. I’m officially the best in Maine sis! I even went to New England's. I didn’t do too well there.” I chuckled at the memories.
“I had some great matches. I wish you could have been there. I would have loved for you to have been cheering me on like you used to.” The smile on my face faded and the silence overcame us again
“Some other stuff has happened too Maria. Some stuff I am not proud of. I’ve hurt people Maria." I sighed and looked everywhere but at what was in front of me.
I slowly inhaled, feeling the cool air rush into my lungs. I didn't know how to explain my year to my little sister. I didn't want her to be disappointed in me, but after what I did, it was inevitable. I knew that every choice I had made during the past year was wrong. I didn't think of anyone but myself when I made them.
"I got into some trouble Maria. It was April, right around my birthday. I missed you a lot. I wanted you to be there with me but I knew you couldn't attend. I thought it would be easier to get away from everything for a while. I thought that "escaping" even for a short time, would be better than feeling all the pain. So I made a horrible decision. I got drunk." My breath hitched in my throat as I relived the memory. I shuddered at the mere thought of it.
"I wish I could say that that was the end of my bad decisions, but its not. I got into a car Maria and I wasn't the passenger." The warm, familiar feeling of a salty tear made its way down my cheek. I wiped my eyes and sniffled, trying not to get choked up.
"I was that guy. The guy that I promised you I would never become. I pinky swore to you that no matter what happened to you, I wouldn't put myself into danger. That's exactly what I did. I didn't mean to hurt you. I can't believe I did that!" I slammed my fist into the cold, hard ground. My head fell into my hands and I finally broke down.
"I'm sorry Maria. I really am." I sat there for a long while, sobbing into my hands.
"I'm sorry you had to see me like this but I still have more confessions. After the drunk driving incident, I became addicted. Addicted to the feeling of belonging. The drugs weren’t what kept me going. I mean, getting high was fun, but the feeling of having friends was better. The “potheads” didn’t judge me because of what I used to be. They didn’t give me looks of pity, because they have all had trouble in their life. Most people that get addicted to anything have had troubles, and we all get rid of them together.” I subconsciously took my lighter out of my pocket. I had gotten it from my cousin, it was black, with HIGH designed in green lettering. I fumbled with the smooth device between my fingers, finding comfort in the familiar object. I tried to imagine my life before it, but it kills my brain. I slowly flick the lighter a few times, watching the flame lick the air sucking in as much oxygen as I will let it before I extinguish its dream of living beyond the lighter. I spun the wheel one last time, creating one last flame, before the new set of disappointing words came out of my mouth.
“Mom and Dad fell into depression after you left. I still have yet to tell them about my addiction. They are always at work now. When they are home, they are always fighting with me over something stupid. I am raising Julia now. She barely knows Mom and Dad anymore. I am everything to her, and she's all I have left. I have kept her away from the drugs Maria. Do not worry. I would not let the light of my life destroy her happiness like i destroyed mine. " The sun was dimming around me and I knew it was my cue to go.
I slowly lifted myself off the ground and placed Maria's neatly wrapped Christmas gift in front of her.
"Thanks for listening like always Maria. Merry Christmas. I love you. Forever and always."
I stepped away from the place where I was sitting and slowly turned around to walk away. Another piece of me cracked as I took one last look at the gravestone. I read the lettering one last time as I silently cried.
"R.I.P. Maria Tompson. Beloved sister and daughter."
I looked at the cancer ribbon inked on my pinky and held it outwards towards my sister's grave.
"I'll be back next year Maria. Pinky promise."
