Only a Memory

thoughts

On those restless 2 AM nights a lot of scary and fascinating things come to mind. I dream about the future, journey back to the past, and overthink the present. I become so swarmed with thoughts that I oftentimes become stressed over nothing. Boys have dominated my thinking these past few nights. (surprise) "Who seems to be interested in me?" "Who am I even interested in?" All I can answer is that I would like to have that special boy in my life. I feel miserable when every other girl seems to have that perfect boy walking alongside them through high school and I can't seem to "get" one. It lowers my self-esteem like no other. There certainly has been chances but it just proves to be that I pick the wrong guy.

Journeying back to the past, I was certainly falling for a very charming, smart, and funny young man in the the summer of '15 but somehow he ended up being the unexpected nightmare to my improbable dream. He seemed to be everything I wanted in a guy and acted like it too. But it's like some switch turned off in just a blink of an eye. Done. Over it. I was crushed. Yes whatever we had was really nothing, but had it caught fire in the following week or so, it could've drastically changed my junior year for the better. From time to time I still think back to those texts and ponder what could've been and ask myself what I did wrong. I felt something unique on that first date that obviously wasn't mutual. But you live and you learn I guess. I've told myself that he's not worth it and I deserve better but in a situation like this, what else is there to say to make it any better? He had a passion for adventure and seeking thrill that I was automatically attracted to. He wanted to know everything about me and hated talking about himself because he always thought he came off as cocky. Which was never the case. We could talk about anything and it wouldn't be awkward. He had that kind of personality, which is rare. I'm somewhat reserved when I'm around a guy I like, but it was different this time. I could be myself, which was very refreshing. He seemed to bring out a happy side of me. I felt like I was on cloud 9.

What hurts the most is not having that. Not feeling the way I once felt, not being able to talk to someone the way I once could. But even when I was at my worst that end of August, I had amazing support from my best friend which meant the world to me. She knew I was a miserable wreck that didn't deserve this. She stood by me and I couldn't be more grateful. I'm not sure how someone gets through tough times without one amazing friend that genuinely cares about you because honestly, I'm not sure what would've happened had she not been there for me. I owe the teary eyes of a hurt heart turned to an optimistic bright smile, to her because she's the reason I didn't hang my head low on one stupid boy. She taught me that there's more important things in high school than having a guy. I'm still figuring out if that's really true but hey, who cares? In just two short years I'm going to have to be grown up with real-world responsibilities that in all honesty, I'm not sure I'm ready for.

My goal for the remaining two years of high school is living to my fullest. Not meeting anyone else expectations but my own. Live the way I want to live whether or not my decisions turn out to be good or bad. I'm not planning on drinking, smoking, drugs or any of that garbage. I'm talking late night adventures making memories with the people that matter. Memories that will last a lifetime. Those cool summer nights sneaking out at 3 AM egging some kids house, having handstand competitions in the park while jamming to Riff Raff. Body half out the sunroof, watching the moon light up the night with the help from the stars. And those cool fall nights, head beyond the car window watching the scenery fly by like a flock of birds while shouting Taylor Swift songs as loud as possible. Drifting through your old middle school field only unaware the cops are just around the corner totally oblivious to you. That feeling of adrenaline and thrill is what makes these memories legendary. Chowing down some stolen cookie from the local gas station while pumpkin smashing off the top of some roof in town not knowing what will happen next. That's what I live for, some questionable decisions with the best-loved people in my life that lead to unforgettable memories.