Quotes, Poems and Other Things

Knots & Flutters (just a random thought)

I sat in the hard plastic chair, my earbuds plugged in but not really on. I sat staring straight ahead at the glass wall separating me from my freedom. My hands were intertwined with each other, my thumbs having a wrestle of their own. The dull murmur of voices fades in the background as my thoughts take control of the wheel and drive my mind straight to him. The softness yet roughness of his light skin, his spiky medium length dirty blonde hair that I wanted to run my fingers through, his pink lips, and his eyes, the ones that I could stare into for hours and never get tired of, his arms that I would love to have wrapped around me all the time, especially as I fall asleep, and his rough soothing voice that I would love to listen to even in the awkwardest of conversations. My thoughts ran wild with possibilities of what tomorrow might bring, all involving him.

The shrill sound of the bell breaks me out of my thoughts as I escape from the confines of the room full of others that couldn't even remember my name or couldn't care less to try to.

The halls overfill with different conversations and people as everyone fights to get out early. I walk towards the end of the hall, in the opposite direction that everyone else rushes towards and wait. I wait and wait as I raise myself higher to check over the waves of people. I see them over everyone else and I push myself off from the wall I had leaned against. I paint on a small smile and wait a bit longer. They're near now and we begin to walk in a comfortable silence. We push through the heavy door and the breeze breaks our silence. The conversation starts with our days and transcends into a simple teasing manner.

We walk past many groups, only one standing out.

He stood there, the first one, surrounded by friends and gushing girls. To think he was once interested in me, I took it for granted. I longed for it now. I felt the jealousy but acceptance as I saw him with the other girls, others that seemed to make him happier than I think I ever did. He told me he loved me, I fought for us with tooth and nail, but should I have really? Was it really worth it? Did he really love me at all?

But now there was another one willing to fight for me. Did I truly like the new one or was he just a rebound? He truly cared for me and was willing to wait for the approval of my mother to start things. A true gentleman. But maybe a gentleman isn't what I want. Maybe I want someone that will challenge the views I've got. But he still sweeps me off my feet, he makes me smile and laugh, he's smart, cute in my opinion, and he's someone that my mother would approve of. He's just right. Maybe he is my second chance, and this time I won't mess it up. I'll cherish it and keep it near and dear to my heart. This is a resolution I vow to take.

There's still the subject of the first one. The small feelings that lingered after his effect in my life bothered me. I want to be whole and willing to give my whole heart to my second chance or else it'd just wouldn't be fair to neither of us. The first one needed to leave the little piece of my heart that he still had control over alone. He may not care for it anymore but that little piece made a big difference. The difference between moving on or staying behind and keep feeling non-reciprocated feelings towards someone who doesn't care anymore.

I must move on to live a better life. I must stop rereading the same chapter in my life to move on to the next.

There's the knots and the flutters.

The flutters are hard to resist. But so are the knots.

With my second chance, I feel the flutters.

But the first one still persists to have the attention in my heart even though I have nearly moved on. The knots.

There must be a way to get rid of the knots so I can enjoy the flutters. The flutters that make my day, that make me smile, and make me happy once again.

*UNEDITED*