Let Yourself Fall

four

    "Miller!! You did what?" I scream.

"Relax,  baby! I thought your parents were out of town, and come on, you only  turn sixteen once. I thought you'd be happy! A birthday party... I think  you should actually thank me," he says, looking smug as if he expected  gratitude.

Right now, I'd rather strangle him.

"Are you out  of your mind? My parents are going to kill me if they find out I threw a  freaking house party! If anything happens to the house, you can already  plan my funeral."

He rolls his eyes, clearly thinking I'm overreacting. But he has no idea. Ed would literally beat me to death if he finds out.

I feel like I'm going to puke.

Shit!

And I can't even stop it now. Miller, whom I've been dating for six months, has already invited our entire school.

Yep, I'm definitely going to be sick.

"They're  going to be back in two days, baby! More than enough time. Trust me,"  he says, stepping closer to the bed where I'm sprawled out.

"You  trust me, don't you?" he asks, trying to make me look at him. I refuse,  still too angry and, to be honest, too afraid. I can't even bear to  think about what will happen when they're back.

He climbs on top of me, attempting to make me look at him.

"Noelle! You trust me, right?" He kisses my neck, and I sigh.

And  that's as far as I let him go. We still haven't had sex yet, and I know  it's the only thing on his mind. But I'm just not ready, and maybe it's  because I don't love him.

He's seventeen, and he's been with  plenty of girls before me. He made sure to mention that. As if I should  be grateful that he sticks around even though I don't let him sleep with  me. But I don't want to break up with him either. It feels somewhat  comforting to have someone who desires me, even if it's just physically.  It feels nice not to be alone.

I squirm beneath him, trying to get him to move away, but he remains stubbornly in place.

"God! Okay, yes, I trust you. But you have to promise to help me with the house!" He wears an almost wicked expression. He thrives on getting what he wants.

"What do I get if I say yes?" That asshole.

"You're such a jerk. You orchestrated this whole thing, so it's the least you can do to assist me with the aftermath." I'm furious.

"Hey hey, I'm just kidding. Relax! I'll help you, of course. But I really do want you, Noni. Come on, it's been half a year. I have needs. I'm a man. Don't you think your special day is the perfect time?"

Oh, damn it.

"I'll think about it. Just please move! You're heavy!" I have no intention of considering it, but he doesn't need to know that.

I close my eyes and eagerly anticipate the end of this fucking day.

"Hey, baby girl! Having fun?" Finn plops down beside me on the couch. I haven't moved for an hour. I don't dare to. I'm keeping a watchful eye on everyone, ensuring that the approximately 200 party guests don't wreck the house.

I roll my eyes and shake my head.

"What do you think, huh?" He chuckles and pulls me closer.

"Everything will be fine. Have a drink, maybe it'll make it a little more bearable."

"Are you crazy? I need to be 100% sober to ensure nobody gets hurt or breaks anything. Even better, I need to make sure they don't crank up the music any louder. I really don't want to explain to my mom why the police showed up at our house."

"Relax. I'm here. I'll help you with everything." That's my best friend, always by my side.

But where on earth is Miller? He said the same thing, but I haven't seen him in three hours.

"Hey, can you stay here and, you know, keep an eye on everything? I'll be right back. I'll just go and find Miller."

"Yeah, yeah, just go." I smile at him and give him a kiss on the cheek. Honestly? I don't know what I'd do without him.

I can't find him anywhere. He's probably completely wasted right now. I can't deal with this. I've checked everywhere.

God, where is he?

I step outside to check if his car is still there.

As I walk around the corner, I see him in his car. And on top of him...

Nick? His best friend?

I freeze.

I don't know what to do. I can't move. I just feel... betrayed, hurt, pathetic, humiliated. Once again, I've been left for someone else. Once again, I'm not enough.

And alone.

I storm back inside and grab a bottle of tequila. I don't care about anything else. They can burn the fucking house down. I couldn't care less.

But numbing myself with alcohol doesn't save me from what happened next.

My mom and Ed came home sooner than I expected.

When they stormed into the living room and found me lying on the couch, in the middle of the mess left by the party guests, Ed was drunk. As always.

I wish I could blame the alcohol for his temper, for the way he beat me that night. But the truth is, I was never safe from him.

After that night, I knew I couldn't continue like this.

Determined to never trust anyone again. Determined to not be with the wrong guy and feel so alone. Determined to no longer live like a misfit. And determined to never let someone treat me like crap again...

I left that life behind.

I started over.