My Writings

Where do I go from Here

 

Where do I go from Here

 

 

 

I am lost and detached I feel like I am running from something I can’t see. I am scared and do not understand why. I feel trapped and with nowhere to go. I feel like I am swinging on a frayed rope on the last string. I am over the bottomless pit. Where do I go from here, I do not know.

 

 

 

Love is lost to me I will never know what it feels like to be with a man. I will never experience that intimacy of feeling like a real woman who is loved. But there again it is my own fault. I will never know what it feels like to be a mother to hold a new born baby right after it was born. I will never know that bond a mother has with a child. It is lost to me. Where do I go from here, I do not know.

 

 

 

I feel like an outcast but that is nothing new I have been an outcast since the day I was born. It is all about them has been for a long while now. I am the low man on the totem pole, black sheep of the family. I am the one who could scream in the middle of a crowded living room and not be heard. I am the elephant in the room no one wants to deal with.  Where do I go from here, I do not know.

 

 

 

I feel like I am inside out nothing is right but nothing is wrong it is what they see when they look at me. I am there when needed but invisible when not needed. I can be seen and not heard and be heard but not seen. Where do I go from here. I do not know.

 

 

 

Time is going by so fast yet it seems to stand still. I have done nothing with my life in that has gone by, but I have done everything I could. I look and see I have grown old and yet people say I look young. Where do I go from here. I do not know.

 

 

 

I see myself standing in a distance looking at them they are my family this I know. But at times I do not exist in their lives though I could be sitting in the same room with them. Where do I go from here. I do not know.

 

 

 

The distance grows more every day I have nowhere to go or turn. Lost is the only thing I feel. The fear of not knowing what to do. Will there be somewhere I can go to be safe? Does anyone really care if I am safe? Run and hide to go nowhere and find somewhere to be. Where do I go from here I do not know.

 

 

 

The deaf is silent, the silence is deaf. The quiet sets in everything in its place. Everyone is where they belong. All except me. I belong nowhere and I am everywhere. I am free but am trapped. I feel like a caged animal but I can run in the open field. Where do I go from here I do not know.

 

 

 

I am free but only for a little while my spirit is free it can fly so high. My spirit is happy until it is caught again. It must go back and hide only to be seen by me. No one can know that my spirit is my strength. If they did they would destroy it too. Like they destroyed me a long time ago. They think they got me beat though it looks like that from the outside. The will never know how I feel inside where my spirit and soul live. There is the truth of who I am. Inside I do not have to hide the way I feel, the joy and happiness I have when I go inside myself. The feeling of knowing that this is me the real me not the one behind the mask I wear every day. I am free inside myself. I know where I go from here I belong right where I am.