What Rhymes With Orange

Dreams

I can't believe it, it's finally happening! "FUCK, YEEEAAH!" I screamed ecstatically in my bedroom, reading the e-mail again. And again. Is this for real? Am I reading this correctly? "Two months!" I yelled at my laptop. It took only two months this time before I got a response about my manuscript, and it was a green light. "THANK YOU!" I raised my hands to the sky and cupped my face in my hands, feeling my cheeks warm up. I gotta calm down or I'll burst. I wanted to tell someone, anyone the good news. Adam!

∞∞∞

It's been a few months since the day Adam told me about Marilyn, and I've started observing how she behaved around me. Eventually she visited more often, sometimes five times a week even. I never gave her any sign that I knew something and I tried my best to act like I always did when we spend time together, though I couldn't stop thinking how she probably felt about me so I ended up noticing every move she made. I thought, maybe that's why she always laughed at my jokes, among other things, of course. Like blushing every time I said something nice or held her hand or how I caught her staring all the time and looking away hoping I wouldn't notice. And she always gave me a lot of gifts. She stopped giving me wine, finally, but that was quickly replaced with all sorts of cakes she proudly announced that she baked herself. Don't get me wrong, I love sweet food and I'd say yes to them anytime, but my fridge told me to fuck off and buy a chest freezer. I once joked about it and asked her, "Are you fattening me up, Marilyn?" I laughed and she answered, "Maybe." And she had this flirty look on her face, staring at me until it became so awkward that I had to look away. Holy shit! I wanted to cover my face in embarrassment, but of course I couldn't let her know that I had any idea about her feelings. Then I realized that she had always been extra nice to me, much more careful and gentle than anyone, never unpleasant or confrontational since the beginning of our friendship. I had always thought how it made her a really special person, so I became more attached to her and perhaps in turn I unconsciously gave her the wrong signals, too. But my blindness had been cured and I felt that she noticed a kind of change in me. She blushed a little less, laughed a little more softly. It broke my heart to have to keep breaking hers, but it would hurt more if I led her on for nothing. Nevertheless, she didn't limit her visits and never showed any negativity towards me.

I began to understand the nature of her extravagant showering of gifts one day, when she greeted me at the door with a downcast expression on her face. I asked her what the problem was and if she was okay, then she told me she had something to discuss with me. I was nervous. Oh no, is she gonna confess? Agh! I wasn't ready for that conversation, I hadn't prepared myself thinking she had a better understanding of the situation and that I had gotten my message across. I breathed in deep and composed myself, inviting her in. We sat in the dining room as always and she gave me a new cake as always. I said thank you, as always. She was too quiet so I asked, "So, what's going on? Tell me all about it." She looked like she had just gambled away all her possessions overnight and had to tell me she had no choice but to live under a bridge now. I didn't care anymore what she was gonna say, all I knew was that I couldn't wait to ease her pain, whatever its nature may be. She looked at me and said, "I'm leaving town, Miss Sylvia." Oh, thank God that was it. I expected much worse! Although... Unexpectedly, I felt alone again thinking how she'd stop visiting for a while. To comfort her (and perhaps myself) I said, "Aw, that's okay. We can see each other again as soon as you come back. Going on vacation?" She smiled meekly. "No, Miss Sylvia. I'm going away for good. Uncle wants me to follow him and stay with my cousins instead. He saw how successful they were and said he's saved up enough money so I should get myself into a good school there and..." She stopped. This must be really hard for her to share with me. "Well," I said, "it's gonna be really different here without you around, and I know how much you love this place, the beach, the work at the shop. And the people here love you, too. I know all of that seems hard to let go, but... if you think about it, your uncle only wants what's best for you. I'm telling you, a woman as smart as you would do so well in... whatever field you choose. And a good education is... just... the most wonderful eye-opening experience anyone can have." She looked up at me with hopeful eyes this time. Okay, I think I'm getting through to her. I continued, "You know, I finished college but... I'm actually planning to go back to studying even more. That's how wonderful it was for me. And I think it would be the same for you, too, Marilyn. And besides... who says you can't come back here every once in a while, right? This place would never be taken away from you." She beamed at me, her expression glowing, and it warmed up all my insides. I laughed, imagining how she would stand out in the college scene. She got curious and asked, "Why? What's funny?" I chuckled. "It's just... you're very pretty and you'd be what they'd call a, umm... sort of dark, sultry, mysterious desert beauty... and boys are just gonna go nuts for you. I'm telling you!" I laughed and she laughed with me. I added, "Plus, you're smart. So you can always tell that guys who are intimidated by you are the stupid ones. And those that try to win you over properly are the worthy ones." I just went on "teen mag" mode again. I checked myself and went on to say, "Oh, what am I doing? Why am I talking about boys with you? I should be talking about books!" I laughed, but I was surprised when she didn't laugh with me that time. I looked at her, searching for her reaction. She looked at me and said, "Or, girls." Wow. That was sneaky. I laughed aloud, in shock, amusement, embarrassment and all kinds of "uncomfortably tickled" rolled into one. I tried to think of what to say for a few moments. Marilyn was just smiling at me. I finally decided to go with it and said, "Or girls! If you like that sort of thing." I laughed and she giggled. Oh my god. So THAT just happened. She didn't say anything for a while, we just smiled at each other. Fuck. I changed the subject. "Maybe I should cut the cake. We can each have a slice or two, yeah?" Marilyn nodded. Lord in heaven, I wonder how much weight I've gained by now. I took two plates and forks and started slicing the cake when I asked, "When are you leaving? Not too soon, I hope?" She answered, "Next week. I guess this is the last time we'll be seeing each other before then. Because I have a lot of things to arrange." I sighed aloud. "Tsk. That sucks." She chuckled. "But," I continued, "With the right education, you can pursue your dream, Marilyn. What do you wanna be?" She answered quickly. "A doctor. Like my mom." Nice! I told her how impressed I was and that she should never give up on it. "My mom used to work with kids," she continued, "It was just a small clinic but she was happy and the kids loved her. The children there were different, though... they, um... had special wants? I'm not... sure..." I interjected, "Special needs." Marilyn nodded. "Right, that's the one! But... Most times she was so happy and eager to tell us about her day, however a lot of times she'd come home crying her eyes out without saying anything. Dad wasn't around much so although it scared me I had to be brave enough to tell her it's alright even when I didn't understand. I'd cry with her sometimes, because, I can't explain it but... I felt that she was crying out of a very deep and sad love. I can't find the word for it..." I stared at her, engrossed, my own emotions taking hold of me. "Heartbroken," I said. "Yes," she replied, "but... I knew then that I wanted to love like her. Even when it hurt. And who better to love than these children who will never look at you with hatred, and even if they did they'd forgive you in a heartbeat even when you don't deserve it, who will always be honest with you, who will never leave you, who will trust you with their lives and hold your hand knowing you would protect them?" She stopped and we were silent for a while before she continued. "When my mom died I was just a kid. She died so suddenly that for a few days, no one was left to take care of the children. I had to be the one to tell them that my mother was gone. I had to convince them that she didn't want to leave, but she had no choice. And they all cried and asked me, when is she coming back? And I didn't know what to say. I wanted to get angry at them and scream at their faces that they should stop being selfish, I'm hurting, too. I'm hurting more than they could understand. It was MY mom. No one was comforting me while I dried their eyes and hugged them tight. They can always find another doctor. But I can't find any replacement for her... of course, I didn't take it out on them. Because I knew their pain. I think about it now and I understand how some of them might not have even had the privilege of understanding why they hurt. But I did. How do you recover from a pain you don't understand? And that's why... I want to help others like them." She was teary-eyed now and seeing her like that made me want to cry. "I'm so sorry to hear about what you had to go through. I can't... imagine... how bad it must have been... You have a very beautiful dream, Marilyn." Tears rolled down her cheeks as she looked at me. I held her hand and squeezed it tight. "Oh... don't make me cry!" I pleaded. She laughed at me trying to hold back my tears. I laughed with her. "I'm sorry Miss Sylvia," she said. "I shouldn't be turning this day into a depressing one. I don't want you to remember me like this." I smiled at her. "No, Marilyn. You... you just opened yourself to me, heart and soul. And that's how anyone should be remembered."