stay strong

Chpt 4

The smoke filled my room.

I took a deep breath in. Am I proud of this? No. Not at all.

I coughed, hard. Than I laughed, everything was fuzzy. That's what I liked about it. You forget everything for a little while.

I have diagnosed myself with bipolar. The happiness lasts only a little wile, than the depression hits you like a ton of bricks. I have basically lock myself in my room for the depressed portion of my "disease".

Lately I have been getting really drunk, maybe it's because of my depression, all in all I just like numbing myself from life. I wish mom was still okay, I wish she was still herself. Her smile can light up a room and her laugh can make the sun shine a little bit brighter but I haven't heard her laugh or seen her smile since before I can remember.

I haven't seen Steven in a while. I do miss him, maybe he can make everything a bit better. Maybe, just maybe.

My brother hasn't been home in a few days. On the somewhat bright side my dad has been sober for a total of about forty-eight hours. I am sort of proud because its at least some time since he has been drunk.

I am currently higher than the clouds in the sky. I am insanely disappointed in myself but I just don't want to think tonight. I can feel myself slowly drifting off to sleep, my eyes are getting heavy.

A rock hits my window. Another one.

Than I see Stevens face in the pane.

"Stevvvvvven," I laugh.

"Emma, open a window the smoke is going to kill you," he laughs also. Obviously drunk.

It's sad really, drugs an alcohol are our only escape from the this cruel world.

He stumbles up to me and collapses onto my bed. I fall next to him. We start making out, before I know it my top is off. So is Steve's. Things start to get really intense before I completely black out.

Crying.

I wake up to crying. It's Steven, he is crying and apologizing. His face is so red. His hair is a mess. Im naked.

I am naked.

I was in a bed, with Steven, naked.

Somebody hand me the gun please.

"Emma," he said through sobs."oh Emma what have I done?" He was sitting on the floor trying to remember what happened.

"S...Steven," I stammered. "What happened last night?" I didn't start crying I just held the sheets against my chest and sat up in the bed my eyes wide and my breathing fast.

A million things where racing through my skull: Did we have sex? Am I going to be a mother? What should I name my kid? What is mom going to say? Are me and Steven a thing now? Are we dating? Wait...Stevens wearing boxers, I realize, and I am in my underwear. It's black lace grips my thighs. How did we not realize this? I let release some of the worry from my lungs.

"Stevie" I whisper, a lightness to my voice.

"Yah?" He sniffles.

"We didn't, you know...." I say, awkwardly.

Steven looks down at his boxers, than at me. Obviously embarrassed. He runs his fingers through his hair and laughs uncomfortably.

"I'm real sorry Emma, I really am." He looks down at the floor.

"It's not your fault Steven, I was high and you where drunk," I rummaged through the sheets for my bra. I pulled it over my head and adjusted it, than I stepped out of the bed an walked over to him sitting on the floor, sat on his lap, and held both his hands.

"Let's forget about this whole uh, incident," I smiled

"Let's." he laughed as if it was funny.

He looked me up and down, stopping at my eyes, me being so self conscious was starting to wish I wasn't just in my underwear.

"You are so pretty Emma, I could honestly stare into your eyes all day." He grasped my hands just a little bit tighter and I rested my head on his shoulder.

"Thank you." I closed my eyes and our breathing was the only sound I could hear in that small depressing room.