If my heart can speak

E-mail my heart

Hi, this is Angel. I know it is inappropriate to write a letter to someone when you are standing before him/her. I guess all my thoughts lose their meaning every time I look into your eyes. I am reminded of how feeble I am, of how much I wanted to beg for your love.

There are no lies at this moment, only truths.

Let me start by saying how you complete me. When I thought my world is as plain as it seems to be, you came and brought a new light to everything that surrounds me. I never thought I would jump to this kind of opportunity. It has never been my thing. This has never occurred to me even in my wildest dream. When I first heard your confession, my first instinct is to back out. I want to run away from you as far as possible. For the first time after eight months, I felt so betrayed (more betrayed than occasions with Dimple). I literally fell from my seat. It is like I was confronted with a choice of accepting this lie and being with you or leaving you and getting over this lie. I chose to move on with this lie.

Since then, you tried to be the best that you can be. You loved me until it bleeds. You gave me everything a girl can want and more. Even now, the memories back then make me linger to every bit that we had. We had a couple of misunderstandings since day 1 but I blame it on the lack of "courtship" process. We did not take time to examine our needs in "wanting" a relationship, our expectations and our goals. We thought that being in love and deciding to go steady is the whole idea of a relationship—that is where all our differences surfaced in the course of the relationship. We spent most of our time explaining to each other our ideas, our feelings and what we expect each other to be. We expect each other to understand, to give way and to bow down to our own ways of life. We cannot afford to compromise our own lifestyles, our own ideals and our own behavior. We cannot afford change to come into our lives and our routines.

I have to admit that with all these ups and downs in our relationship, I messed up by taking part in a silly love game, by disowning you and by lying to people about you. I had so many what ifs and whys in my head. There are a lot of things that I wish you could do; a lot of things that I wish you had in you. You have been the best that you could be but at some points, I don't really know what you think and feel. I feel like there are parts of yourself that you are holding back and you are not willing to give for my sake. I did hurt you in the cruelest way. I can't even remember how many times I've hurt you in the past. I can't even remember how many times I promised that I would change and be better to make this thing work.

I did change in some ways (and I know you won't believe me while I am saying this). I did not cheat after that incident and I've been working so hard for this love. This time around I gave you more than what I could give—my mind, my heart, my body and soul. I came to the point of idolizing you; seeking you first and loving you more than I could love myself. Out of nowhere, my conscience would tap me and tell me something is wrong. That is where I would jump from loving you then leaving you then taking you back. Every Sunday is a break up day before. All of these beliefs I had were challenged, and I could not explain to you how torn I was to create choices for myself. I grew up in a conservative environment, and even though I love you so much, taboos in my standards seem to remind me how much I despised this kind of thing. I chose to lie to people; I chose to deceive both myself and every one I knew to achieve this kind of relationship. I had a lot of times to choose to stay away permanently and I chose to come back. At times, I found myself bargaining with God and seeking for guidance. I told myself I am strong enough for this and as long as you are here it will all get better. I chose to accept every vile thing people around me would say. I composed myself and told myself "This doesn't hurt!" I pretended to be all good despite the pain because I don't want to falter and I have to be strong for us. I know you have problems of your own and I have to be there, I have to cater to your needs and be the girl that you need.

I thought this could make me feel complete. I thought this is enough. But I would continue to lie to you if I will not tell you that I miss being surrounded with love. I miss being the center of attention in my circle of friends and in this community. I have to vanish from my social network to be able to get ready in jumping to another stage of my life- being with you forever. Just when I finally decided and dealt with the most risky choice in my life, I found you drifting away. Even my tears would not be enough to describe you how excruciating the pain is. I am even surprised that I get to wake up every day. I am thankful that I am still in my sane character to create plans for my life and to struggle to achieve my lifelong ambition. All of these things made me feel so bad about myself—all that self-pity and self-hatred that I went through. I still have the residues of my heartbreak episodes and it may take a while before it is completely excreted out of my mental system.

I still love you. I don't think it has changed through all this. I still want to see myself with you. I still want to see a future with you. That is what the whole idea of waiting is all about. I found myself in acts of desperation and trapped in your previous goodness. Things changed and I am the only one who continues to live in the past. I am afraid of changes. I am afraid that I will be left with nothing. I am too scared to start all over because I don't know how to do it. I continued to raise false expectations to myself by saying that you will come back and it only takes time. You tell me that it would not be easy, that I should be patient enough to see the results. As you deal with your pain and live your life the way you should live it; I wonder if I am the only one who is trapped in this mediocre reality. I could be better; I could live my life too instead of continuously checking my phones and hurting every time you would forget to remember me. I am losing my fight and there is a way somewhere to stop myself from falling down.

Maybe it is time to stop chasing love and take on higher grounds. I am broken and I need fixing but it must not stop me from feeling good about myself. I cannot change my past and I have gone overboard to try to fix the damage or to restore what is left. I cannot beg for more love and attention. I was not built that way. I deserve self-respect and self-appreciation because that is all I got left after I crumbled to pieces. For you to be healed; you must acknowledge your sickness and accept that you need healing. Do not resist the process and tell yourself that you will get better with doses of your self-medication practices. Those with the positive insight of getting cured will eventually be cured.

This feeling has metastasized and inflicted pain in every system of my body recently but I believe there is still a cure. I don't know when will I be declared free from pain but everything is a process, right? I still long for love every time I would see couples passing by or hear people saying sweet nothings while holding their cellular phones. I would simply miss being in a relationship. The problem is I cannot be just the invisible one in this relationship--- the one you see when you need to see and the one you avoided seeing when you have other things worth seeing. I can never be an option in life; a substitute; and a lost and found keeper. All I can be is a girl who is in love and who wants to be loved back.