pretty long vent

Hi

So I know this is different than my usual silly stuff but I'm kinda struggling right now.

This seems like a safe space to vent so I'll do that ig

This'll probably get deleted at some point but we'll see

Ok where to start. Well firstly, I just really hate school. They make it seem like it's a safe space but it really doesn't feel like that at all. It's only the third week of school but so far I've honestly never felt worse in the mental state.

Some days at school are so bad I just wanna go home and cry. The only thing I enjoy at school is lunch but at least I feel better around my friends. Also last year I made a friend but this year he just isn't talking to me at all and I feel like a complete stranger to him now. I think it might be my fault in some way but tbh I'm not really sure what I did wrong. Maybe if I just talked more then this wouldn't be happening.

I also just hate myself for a lot of different reasons. Firstly, I hate that I can't just be normal around some people. Like my friends I'm not as close to, or just acquaintances ig. I also hate the intrusive thoughts I get. I know it's out of my control but I hate them. Sometimes they just say things kinda dirty minded, which I REALLY hate and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Sometimes I get ones like "I should die" or "I'm gonna pull a Sayori one of these days" Doki doki mentioned but at what cost... Anyway yes these are both examples of actual thoughts I've had. Im also disgusted by myself due to the fact that I need to cut myself to feel better. It's horrible. I hate it. I hate myself for not being able to tell my mom I'm non binary. All I want is to be called they and them but for some reason I find it impossible just to tell her that. And I know she supports lgbtq. We literally watched Heartstopper, a show where basically EVERYONE is gay, and she literally said it was one of her favorite shows. We watch so many gay things together, she wants to read me a gay book, and she has trans coworkers. So why can't I just say I just say three simple words? People really shouldnt have to deal with me. I'm really annoying and I don't understand why anyone is so nice to me.

Anyway, on the same topic as my mom, sometimes my sister and her go places together and I just prefer to stay home. But I just think it's super fucked up that my mom tries finding out information about me through my sister.

First, she asks stuff to her about ME like "is your 'sister' depressed" (notice how sister is in quotes) and asking if I'm emo (my favorite color is yellow and I wear brightly colored things, I'm not emo mother), gay (okay you got me there) etc. Do you realize how fucked up that is? If she wants to know so bad then she should ask me herself. I was FUCKING PISSED when I found out and still am. I genuinely don't know why the fuck she did that

And now for my sister. She's so mad at me all the time. And whenever she is mad at me she won't even tell me what I did wrong. She just ignores me completely. And on top of that, even when we have a small disagreement she just yells at me. Please calm down oh my Lord. If she can't get exactly what she wants then she just guilts me into giving it to her. Don't get me wrong, we are close, in fact, I've probably told her more than anybody, but she can be really really difficult. I thought that as she got older this would get better, and I know she's still young, but she's always been like this, and it really sucks.

Idk what I expect to get out of this, comfort ig?? Maybe advice?? Idk sorry for wasting your time.