I am Sarah

Chapter 5: NeverLand

"When I found out, Justin, who was basically my husband at the time, was so excited. We had always wanted kids. The reason I say he was basically my husband was because we had been together for five years, but we had never gotten married. Anyways, when we found out I was pregnant we had such a time. I would get up and throw-up whatever was left of dinner and he would walk to the kitchen and make me waffles or french toast, both with a pinch of cinnamon; that was my favorite.

I would just walk to the TV, turn on some cartoon's and go make his coffee. He always found a way to work his way across the kitchen to kiss me; even if it was only a peck on the cheek, I could feel how much he loved me. We waited, my God it felt like forever. Justin kept the bills paid, and when School rolled around, I helped Alex as sort of an assistant.

In August we went to see the ultrasound that would reveal sex. Of course, the people we are, we hadn't even started guessing. We had a list of names for girls; Quinn and Katerina were the top two. We also had a list of names for boys; Marcus and Nicolai were the top two. We spent the next few months watching me grow and along with that, we watched as was able to do less and less.

In the beginning of December, I invited Alex and the girls over to paint the baby's room while Justin was out, as sort of a surprise you know. We had the grandest time. Bryce and Sam started it really. I wanted to paint the room blue, but I had already bought pink, yellow, blue, and green, so I set them aside in the corner. Well, I opened one of them because I forgot to label them and I didn't realize what color it was. It was green and so from behind me, Bryce grabbed a brush, dipped it in the paint and flung to toward the wall, but splattering Sam in the process. Sam walked over, opened the pink, and flung it at Bryce.

As soon everyone was throwing paint and once they had all settled down, they began to paint a from a storybook that they had all read as children; Peter Pan. Mia painted the Peter you see on the left wall, and Becky painted the stars and the sky. Peyton, Mia, and Izzy painted the mermaids near the window. Rachel did Tinker-bell, Wendy, John, and Michael. Alex actually decided to touch some paint and asked me what my baby boy's name was. I hadn't really thought about it, but I looked down at my ever rounding belly and whispered, "Micah..." Alex must not have heard me, because he asked me again and I replied, "Micah." Louder. He walked over to the wall near the crib and wrote neatly above it; Micah Nicolai Law. The girls then took their hands and on the east wall, they put their hand prints with their names on them and above it Alex wrote; "Your Sisters". I laughed and had such a great time that day. I got everyone cleaned up so that parents wouldn't get mad. Alex was the last to leave. He hugged me, and held me tight before congratulating me again and leaving.

I didn't think anything of Justin staying late for work, so I went to the room and fell asleep. I woke to someone pulling my hair. Justin had me by my hair and was pulling me into the hall. He cursed at me. Asking who was at the house and who painted the room. I told him that it was Alex and the girls. He brought me from my knees to his height and shouted, "Who is Micah?" Pointing at the words above the crib. I told him it was what I wanted to name the baby. He took his knee and jammed it into my stomach, and he just kept going; over and over again.

I swear I felt my heart stop. I began to bleed uncontrollably and as I was screaming and crying in a pile of my own blood, Justin chuckled, took a sip from his bottle and said, "What baby?" before getting in his truck and driving off. I found my phone and with my stained hands, I dialed Alex's number, he answered and I'm sure I scared him, but he was there in twenty minutes with his daughter, an EMT named Emmy. Before that though, Bryce came back.

She opened the front door and I was bleeding all over the baby's room. I was crying and I looked up and saw Bryce rush to my side. She kept my head up on her lap and sang to me. I'm not sure why she did this; I think she knew that that baby wasn't going to make it or that I had already called the ambulance. I stayed awake the whole time, and that was agony. The pain numbed and my heart beat slowly as Bryce called from the baby's room as Alex arrived. I watched him and Emmy walk in and Bryce helped me onto the ambulance stretcher.

I rode the whole way wondering what had made Justin do these things to me. When we arrived at the hospital, they took the baby out. I was asleep, and when I woke up my room was full of the girls, Alex, Emmy, and a little clear crib. I smiled and tears began to roll down my cheeks. I sat up, but stopped when I felt something begin to tear. I made a noise and Alex woke up. He rushed to me and said gratefully, "Thank God." This woke the girls and soon I had at least twenty teenage girls surrounding me and hugging me. I asked for Micah and Bryce came from the back holding him. I reached out and she set him in my arms. His little brown hairs were wispy and his blue eyes were barely open, but he was perfect. He drooled a bit and I wiped it away with the edge of the blanket. I held him for at least an hour as all the girls slowly began to go home. The last person left was Bryce.

She took Micah from me and advised me to get some rest and to call her if I needed anything. I looked over at the clock and realized that it was 2:30 am. I took her advice and leaned down for a nap. When I woke, I looked over at Micah laying in his crib and he was blue. I heard screaming and it took me a second to realize that it was coming from me. Nurses rushed into the room as I screamed and shouted for my baby. They took him away and I tried to follow, but I felt my stitching break. I'm not sure how, but Bryce caught me and then I blacked out.

When I woke up, Micah was dead, Justin was gone, and Bryce was silent. I stopped coaching for the rest of the season. Bryce came to check on me every night before bed, even when I insisted that she didn't have to. Alex, his wife Martha, or Emmy came and made me breakfast every morning. You'd think it would be hard to be sad with a whole team visiting you daily and encouraging you and keeping your head above water, but I was still sad.

Months past by and I swore that I would never get better. I laid in bed everyday, nearly all day. I didn't really eat. I didn't really sleep. I couldn't dream; only nightmares. The end of the year came around and soon summer league would start. Alex begged me to help him coach the girls. I refused; I was too sad for something that brought so much happiness.

The third of June rolled around; this was the day of the girls' first summer game. I'm not sure what provoked me to do this, but I got up at noon, got dressed, ate breakfast, got in the truck and drove to the college. When I got there, only the refs were there preparing. I took a ball from the cart and just shot for the next fifteen minutes. After those fifteen minutes, I was smiling when I heard shouting from behind me. It was most of the girls and Alex. The girls surrounded me, except the new kids and the freshman who didn't really know anything. Bryce was gone.

When I asked where, they all told me that she decided to go to that school in Alaska. I was sad, but not too sad. I spoke to Alex, begging for him to take me back. He wanted to, and he was trying to, but his new assistant was basically whining to keep her position. That was when the girls came over and begged for me. Then they took a vote. I won of course. Alex promised the other woman a bonus ending paycheck and threw me my new assistant coach hoodie.

I slipped it on and I felt happy. I watched as the girls finished warming up and we put in our starters. We played three games that night, and of course we won them all. Afterwards we went for ice-cream and the girls end up getting us kicked out. We always went to this restaurant to get ice-cream, and after every big event we seemed to get kicked out laughingly; because of the commotion we made. I guess you could say that it wasn't basketball that pick me up off my feet, it was those girls, Alex and my love of the game. Mostly the team though.

Now I am totally physically healed; It hurts every while, and when it does I host a team night, feed all those girls, watch them play games or ride the horses. I get better. I keep the carseat in the back and the room all set up because Micah will never truly be dead to me. Now you know."

Jess finished with a sigh. I expect she thought that I was disappointed or something, but I did something that I think shocked even her. I reach up and gave Jess a hug. While I was so close to her, I could smell the powder and coconut, I could feel the warmth radiating from her skin, I could feel the steady beat of her heart, I whispered...

Maybe I'm not okay, but that is okay, right?