SOUR PATCH

• Chapter Fifty pt.3

In all honesty, I'm afraid to face him--not afraid. Ashamed, he's always been my best friend and for some reason, I fear that I might see the disappointment in his eyes like everyone else, he is the closest to me than all my guy friends, we talk every now and then, aside from Kelly, Ian knows everything. I mean everything.

I'm surprised to find him here since he went to Boston Uni. Either way, I'm a little glad.

He must have heard the door open as he looks up and meets my gaze, as he did, he stands up and walk towards me and surprise me when he tackles me into a hug.

A small relief succumbs to me but then his shoulder shakes making my lips trembled. He pulls away and stares at me with pure devastation and utters two words that crush my soul.

"It's bad."

Guilt.

Fücking guilt killed me. But he looks at me different from everyone else, Sympathy, and like the air I breathe it, taking strength from it.

"W-Where is she?" I rasp out, I feel a presence behind me and Ian also stare at my mother and nod at her.

"Surgery, last I heard ... She's 50/50." He utter silently, with a solemn look on his face. My chest aches, my heartache, my soul, aches.

I simply nod, I didn't bother to ask how I get in the hospital. I can't find it in me to give a shit about me. I'm pretty sure I look like shit, an utter superior shit. Like what I am.

I follow Ian down the hall toward the bank of elevators. My heart labors heavily in my chest. Fear roils around me at the thought of seeing M. All I've wanted for the last few hours is to see her.

My mom on our tail, silently. Her silence slicing my heart in two, ripping me to shreds, I have fucked up so royally my mother despises me.

What the fuck have I done? I'm hurting everyone. I almost killed the only person who matters so much to me, the air I breathe, the source of my fücking life.

I don't deserve her. I don't deserve her at all.

I deserve to rot in my own misery, my own personal hell. Without her I'm nothing.

And I doubt there will be an us after she gets through this.

The thought scares me so much more than anything. Oh god. She'll want nothing to do with me once she recovered! Oh, fuck! Oh god, fucking christ. I lost her. Even if she survives I lost her.

Just like that, I withered inside.

Just be alive M, and I'll happily stay away.

Please let her live, and I'll go. Even if it kills me.

• • •

Vicky ignored me, Regina simply squeezes my hand and sit so far away from me, Victoria didn't meet my gaze, I step towards her but she holds her hand up to stop me, I died a thousand times inside, she looks away, Phillip growl at me, Kelly step towards me when she saw me and everyone looks away, she rolled her lips around her teeth in devastation, we are all in the hallway where outside the surgery room.

No one speaks. The air is tense and above all, It hurts. It hurts so fucking much. I feel like my rib cage is being cracked wide open and my life is being drawn out of me, slowly.

After seems like forever, The door opens. A man in a white coat approaches us. Everyone stands up eager for information. I gulp observing the doctors face, poker fucking face, blank, professional and not giving anything away,