it's 5/15 am on the 18th of May and I'm having a breakdown because of a dream I had.
Before the dream, I woke up at 3 after not being able to find a comfortable position and dreaming that I had to pee 4 times in a row. I sat over the toilet and watched TikTok until it devolved into searching for porn on Reddit.
I came back to bed after 4, I can't remember the exact time but I remember putting on a YouTube video that's supposed to help you sleep and setting my alarm for 6am because I have a driving test this morning.
I went to bed and tried to make myself comfortable, comfort did not come. I eventually fell and dreamt about traveling today into town and meeting co workers that gave me bags for work that were supposed to be delivered by them. They said nothing, just smiled and left. Across the street was a confectionary store and for some reason I left the food place to look check it out.
I get to the store, the door seemed blocked by something so I had to turn sideways and squeeze through because it wouldn't open the full way. There was nothing behind the door.
The first counter I got to, I thought I dropped something on the counter and immediately forgot what it was and assumed that whatever I saw I'd take and leave.
The owner comes out and he accuses me of stealing. I check the counter again and I see a small book I use to document the hours of work with and assumed it was mine. I pick it up and go through it assuming it was but the pages were filled with useless and unreadable information.
I empty my bag that I use for work because for some reason I had it with me. Everything currently on my mind came out of the bag, like my dirty work clothes, my sheets, my hoodies that I keep putting off washing. At the very bottom of the bag, I saw the item in my bag that I thought was on the counter and I apologize to the store clerk and leave.
I get home and my dad's in my room but he's watching something on my laptop and laying down in my bed. I immediately get mad and snatch my laptop and start stomping on it and breaking it apart as much as possible. My dad just looks at me and I look away. When I look back at him, he's watching to broken laptop but he's sitting up now.
In this dream, I don't think it's my dad, I think it's me. In my room. Watching YouTube. And I go into my room and see my older self still living at home, still watching YouTube, still allowing people to walk all over me and still doing nothing about it.
I don't hate my dad, I wish I could talk to him and ask him things and he'd be truthful about it. I wish he wouldn't pretend to be okay and just talk to me so I could talk to him and maybe understand him and have him understand me. Maybe I just want to have a dad that can just be my dad. I hate that I associate my feelings towards my parents with animosity and apathy. I don't think things will ever change.
My name is Joel Curtis De Four and I hate myself.
