You said you said you loved me and cared about me
But did you actually mean it tho?
After all those times you allowed my siblings to be mean to me and hit me
After all those times you guys took your anger out on me
After all those times you yelled at me
After all those times you hit me
I'm the youngest child,
What did I ever know what love really felt like?
I thought love was supposed to be gentle not rough
I thought home was supposed to be safe not scary
I thought the people who claim to love me was supposed to protect me
But yet I learned that staying quiet meant I didn't get yelled at more
Learned that emotions were a weakness
Learned that whatever I said was used against me
Learned to bottle up whatever I wanted say and emotion to show
Before it got me yelled at
I learned that sometimes
That the people who are related to you aren't your real family
You may share the DNA but yet still not family
They always tend to be ones stabbing you in the back
And yet I wondered,
Was I what you call a problem child?
Difficult to love?
A puzzle that they couldn't solve easily?
Or was I just a child
Who desperately needed someone to just listen?
I wanted someone to notice
That I was hurting
That I stopped asking for help
That I stopped being an outgoing person
And became an introvert who loves not being touched and being alone
That I learned comfort wasn't a thing
That I learned to just to get hurt not only physically but emotionally and mentally
But yet you called it love
But love shouldn't make a child
Question if they should continue living or just end their life
Question if they should just hurt themselves physically just to relief that pain inside
Question if they were worth anything
Love shouldn't make a child
Feel like they have to earn not getting yelled at
Feel like they have to earn not getting hit
But maybe that's just the saddest part yet -
I spent my whole life wondering
What was wrong with me
Was I really worth
If I should keep going with the pain or should I just end it all
Was I really a fuck-up and a sin
But in reality
I was never the one who needed fixing
But yet I ended up broken in the end
I was just child
Who deserved to be protected and not to be a punching bag
A child who deserved to be heard not shut down or interrupted
A child who deserved to feel safe and not scared
So when you tell me
That you loved
I still hear the question
I was to young to as back then:
Was that really love?
