I hate love. I hate it.
It tears my heart in two, the makes me think it's been sewn backtogether again, but really it's just torn it into more pieces.
Like, I want a relationship. I want someone to hold me, to tell me to go to bed when I haven't been sleeping well. To tell me that they love me no matter what. I want to do cringey things with them. I want to get slushies and dance in the rain and listen to music and cuddle and wake up next to them.
But instead, I push people away. Or, the people I do let in enough to love me, they end up not actually loving me. It's funny, I think.
Though, it's not hard to laugh when your whole life's a joke.
I'm not trying to get people to pity me, or think that I want attention. I just need somewhere to put my thoughts when they get too loud. Maybe I should journal.
Speaking of loud thoughts, why the fuck does anxiety even exist? Like, I'm already struggling, let's just add constant dread and stress to the heaping pile of shit that I call my life.
ADHD is stupid too. And OCD. And depression. I need medication.
I don't even know why I am the way I am. Sometimes, I don't even know who I am. Like, I have high-functioning autism. Why? Why do I have that?
Am I mentally ill? Probably.
Music and mobies are more therapy than my own therapist. I'm always so much calmer after listening to my playlist or watching a movie or a show. I don't know why.
And maybe I'm just an idiot, but I've tried to break my leg. Twice. Why? I honestly don't know.
I want to peel off my skin and put it in the washer. It'd be good for me, I think.
I don't feel comfortable in my own skin sometimes. Is that weird?
And another thing. Gender. I don't even know what I identify as. A girl? A boy? Both? A threat? A bitch? Probably at least the last two.
Why am I me? Why am I Lilly? I don't know. All I know is that I'm broken. I'm not okay. And I like girls.
Those three things I know for certain.
I think it's from a Sabrina Carpenter song, but I feel like this lyric, "Please tell me who I am, cause I don't have a choice"
Life is stupid. Maybe I wouldn't question so much if I was dead. Or if I were never born.
Crazy to think that I wouldn't have been born if my mom was any younger. I would have been aborted.
Who am I, really?
What is time? What is love?
I know.
"Love is a dagger.
It's a weapon, to be wielded from afar or up close. You can see yourself in it. It's beautiful. But ultimately, when you reach for it... it isn't real."
That quote hit harder than anything I've ever been told.
Maybe I am just another person. Born to die.
No purpose.
Anyway, I think I've done enough ranting for one night. No one's gonna read this anyways. Or care. That's fine.
"Nothing matters!"
-Loki Laufeyson
See you all later!
-Lilly
