Faith hadn't realised how quiet fear could be.
Everyone talked about panic as though it screamed, as though it raced through your veins and left you breathless.
Nobody mentioned the silence afterwards.
It had been three weeks since Pearl had choked in NICU.
Three weeks since Faith had been sitting in that chair, exhausted, breastfeeding her tiny daughter, when everything had gone wrong. Three weeks since the monitors had screamed louder than she had. Three weeks since she'd fumbled, shaking so violently she could barely press the emergency buzzer.
Three weeks since she'd texted Iain.
Please answer.
Iain.
Something's wrong.
Please.
She remembered staring at her phone between nurses rushing around Pearl's incubator. Every second that passed without him felt like another confirmation that she was completely alone.
He had come.
The moment he'd seen the messages he'd dropped everything and raced to the hospital, arriving breathless, pale and terrified.
He'd held her while she sobbed.
He'd kissed Pearl's tiny forehead.
He'd promised them both that everything was okay.
But Faith had never told him the truth.
Because everything wasn't okay.
⸻
"Faith?"
She blinked, dragged back to the present by Stevie waving a hand in front of her face.
"You with us?"
"Hm?" Faith forced a smile. "Sorry."
"You've asked me where the obs machine is three times."
A laugh escaped Faith's lips, but it sounded wrong.
"Tired."
Stevie frowned.
"You sure?"
"I'm fine."
The lie came so easily now it barely felt like one.
⸻
She wasn't sleeping.
Not really.
Every tiny noise Pearl made during the night jolted her upright before she was even awake. If Pearl slept too quietly, Faith was convinced she'd stopped breathing.
Sometimes she'd stand over the cot for ten minutes, watching her chest rise and fall.
Sometimes she'd gently touch her.
Just to make sure.
Sometimes she'd wake Pearl by accident and then hate herself for it.
Again.
⸻
Iain noticed she looked exhausted.
He noticed she'd stopped drinking hot tea because she kept forgetting about it.
He noticed she'd become quieter.
He noticed she'd started checking Pearl's baby monitor every five minutes.
He noticed...
Everything except why.
Because whenever he asked—
"You okay?"
Faith smiled.
"Just mum things."
And Iain believed her.
Because he wanted to.
⸻
That evening, Pearl let out a tiny cough.
It lasted less than a second.
Faith was across the room before she'd even realised she'd moved.
"No, no, no..."
Her hands trembled as she scooped Pearl into her arms, checking her colour, her breathing, her mouth.
"Faith?"
Iain stood frozen in the doorway.
Pearl blinked up at them, completely content.
Faith didn't seem to notice.
"She's coughing."
"It was one cough."
"What if she's choking?"
"She isn't."
"You don't know that."
Her voice cracked.
"You weren't there."
The words landed like a slap.
Silence.
Faith's face drained of colour.
She hadn't meant to say it.
Iain looked as though every ounce of air had left his lungs.
"I..." Faith whispered.
"I know," he said quietly.
"No... I didn't..."
"You think I don't replay that day every single night?"
Faith stared at him.
"I missed your calls."
"I know."
"I missed your texts."
"I know."
"I should've been there."
"You came."
"Not fast enough."
His voice broke on the last word.
Faith looked down at Pearl sleeping peacefully against her chest.
Neither of them noticed the tears rolling silently down the other's face.
For the first time since NICU...
Neither of them were pretending they were okay.
YOU ARE READING
Holding on
FanfictionThis is based after LL ep4 where pearl was choking and how the after math has effected faith but Iain hasn't noticed anything
