Soul Tied

Liliya's Diary - Entry #1

Hey.. my name is Liliya. I don't know why I'm even writing this because no one will ever read it, but I'm not doing so well and I thought writing about it might help. I guess I'll start by talking about my best friend Rue. Rue has been my best friend since basically forever. Our moms were best friends so she's like the sister I never had. Her mom died when she was 5, mine died when I was 13. I'm 14 now so it hasn't been that long since. Sometimes I think about how Rue and I didn't choose each other. Our moms chose us. They were best friends, and I think they decided we would be, too, before we could even walk. Sometimes when I look at Rue, I see her mom's eyes, and it hurts because I know looking in the mirror only reminds her of what she lost. We're like two halves of a story that ended too soon. Everyone else sees two girls who are 'troubled,' but they don't see that we're just trying to survive in a world that feels empty without them.
Growing up my dad was always physically there but not emotionally, while my mom was always emotionally there but would be in and out of jail. She had a drug addiction and I don't blame her. Sometimes I think about how that must have helped numb all the pain inside. I love my mom. I don't like when people call her selfish for not being there all the time. She was there when I was little, but it just got worse for her as I got older. My parents broke up when I was a baby so I don't remember them ever being together. I honestly get it. I get why my mom wanted to disappear. The world is just... loud. And heavy. Lately, I've been finding my own ways to make things quiet. It's not the same as what she did, but it makes me feel like I'm in control of the hurt for once. If I'm too scared to stand up for her, at least I can have this.
Anyways, I just got back from school. It was pretty boring, as usual, but I always love to see Rue. I hate coming home. Around two years ago my dad went to prison for hurting his girlfriend, Michelle. The house feels almost worse than it had when he was home. It's hard to think about how the man who was supposed to be there for me did what he did. So now it's just me and her. I'm living in the aftermath of his choices with a woman I don't really like, in a house that doesn't feel like my home. We sit in this uncomfortable silence all the time, and I can tell she's looking at me and seeing him. It makes me want to turn invisible.
Michelle wasn't always like this. Before my dad left, she at least tried to pretend. But now that the bills are piling up and she's 'stuck' with me, she shows her true, cruel self. Everything is my fault. The stress, the mess of this house, apparently it's all my fault. But it's her little comments that hurt the worst. She looks at me with this disgust. She calls me fat, like my body is just another thing she has to pay for. I look in the mirror and I start to believe her. If I could just stop eating, maybe I'd be less of a problem. Maybe I'd be lighter to carry. She didn't always drink this much but now she downs cups filled to the top the second she gets home from work. I have no siblings so I'm the only one in the house who she can pick on. I don't ever say anything back when she says stuff like that to me because I know it will just make it worse.
I went to Rue's house a little after I got home because I couldn't take it there. I decided to crash there for the night. I know Rue loves having me over and I love being with her. Walking into Rue's room feels like lifting a weight off my shoulders. She never even asks why I just show up there sometimes with my pajamas in a plastic bag, she just moves over on her bed to make space for me. We sat there in the dark for a while, just listening to the sound of each other breathing. Rue looked different than usual, she was zoning out, but I didn't say anything. We both have our ways of disappearing. Here, I don't have to worry about being 'fat' or a 'burden.' I'm just Liliya. And she's just Rue. Rue's room is comfy, it has lots of posters and sad music playing in the background, just how we like it. Rue went to go get a snack and she asked me what I wanted. I told her I wasn't hungry, though I really, really was.