A mess car trip (a short Splatoon absurd story)

4 Idols, one destination...

The sun was setting over in the chaotic Splatlands highway when the world's worst road trip officially began.

Inside a suspiciously tiny van painted neon green, the legendary idols of Splatoon had already been trapped together for six straight hours.

And things were deteriorating fast.

At the wheel sat Marina, gripping the steering wheel with the exhausted patience of someone trying not to drive directly into the ocean.

Beside her lounged Pearl, feet on the dashboard, sunglasses on indoors, aggressively eating spicy chips at maximum crunch volume.

In the back seat were the Squid Sisters:
Callie sprawled upside-down across three bags of snacks,
while Marie stared blankly out the window, reconsidering every life choice that had led here.

The van smelled faintly of gasoline, french fries, and impending violence.

"We've passed that gas station three times," Marie muttered.

"We have NOT," Pearl snapped.

Marina quietly checked the GPS.

"...Pearl, we have."

Pearl pointed dramatically out the windshield. "THAT cactus looked different before."

"It's the same cactus," Marie said.

"No, this one has emotional depth."

From the back seat, Callie suddenly leaned forward between the front seats like a cryptid emerging from the darkness.

"Pearl."

"What."

"You're short enough to legally count as carry-on luggage."

Silence.

Marina visibly tensed.

Pearl slowly lowered her chips.

"Oh, so THAT'S how today's gonna be."

Marie quietly pulled a blanket over herself like someone preparing for artillery fire.

Callie grinned. "I'm just saying, if this van crashes, the airbags legally don't have to protect you."

Pearl gasped with genuine outrage.

"MARINA. She's bullying me."

"You started an argument with a vending machine forty minutes ago," Marina replied.

"IT WAS JUDGING ME."

Callie was now fully committed.

"You know what Pearl reminds me of?"

Marie sighed. "Please don't."

"A very angry decorative pillow."

Pearl whipped around in her seat. "YOU look like a malfunctioning cheerleader!"

Callie pointed dramatically. "YOU look like a boss fight against expired ketchup!"

Marina tightened her grip on the wheel.

"Girls --"

"You look like you yell at automatic doors when they don't open fast enough!"

"YOU LOOK LIKE YOU EAT STICKERS OFF FRUIT!"

Marie quietly put headphones on without music playing.

The van swerved slightly.

Marina inhaled sharply. "I need everyone to stop screaming for ONE MINUTE."

Nobody listened.

Pearl climbed halfway over the seat to continue the argument at closer range.

"Oh YEAH? At least I don't laugh like a haunted squeeze toy!"

Callie wheezed loudly on purpose.

"HWEEEEEEEEE—"

Pearl shrieked.

Marina finally pulled the van into a roadside rest stop with the energy of a woman defusing a bomb.

The vehicle screeched to a halt.

"Okay," Marina said calmly, in the dangerous tone of someone moments from becoming a supervillain. "Everybody out."

Five minutes later, the idols stood outside under the buzzing lights of a convenience store.

Marie sipped canned coffee in complete silence.

Inside the store, Callie and Pearl were STILL arguing.

"YOU CAN'T JUST MICROWAVE CHOCOLATE MILK."

"WATCH ME."

"THAT'S NOT A THREAT. THAT'S JUST BAD DECISION-MAKING."

A loud POP echoed from inside.

Marina slowly lowered her face into her hands.

Marie patted her shoulder once.

"You know," Marie said, "most families just play card games on road trips."

From inside the store came Pearl's voice:

"CALLIE PUT THE HOT DOG ROLLER DOWN."

Then Callie:
"IT CALLED TO ME."

Marina stared at the night sky.

Somewhere in the distance, a seagull screamed.

"...We still have nine more hours," she whispered.

Marie took another sip of coffee.

"Should've taken separate cars."