A religious Satire

"Hey god, how's your world going?"An Angel said as they flew into a massive throne room. The room was bathed in sunlight with precious jewels embedded in the walls. The Cealing was gone and above was a baby blue sky with thin white clouds flowing across. There were golden arches of light all connecting right above the room. At the very end of the room was a throne made of pure golden and white light, on top of it was a rough, constantly changing outline of a human male. Leading up to this figure was a blood red carpet with a pattern of white rhombuses with diamonds in the center.

"Do not take my name in vain," The voice echoed around the room, it was deep and seemed to fill the room. The angel flew down in front of the throne and bowed before this figure.

"Oh...Ummm, what would you like me to call you?" The confusion in the Angels voice was clear.

"Hmm, How about, He who must not be named, it's from a book some human wrote." The figure gave a massive sigh.
"Sooo he who must not be named, how's that world going?" The figure rose from his throne and began to walk towards the door, it motioned for the Angel to follow. The Angel rose from his bow and began to walk alongside the figure.

"It's going, I guess. They can be dumb though but some orange guy is doing great though, love him. I got a spot for him right here." He gestured to a golden throne right in front of hundreds of McDonald's. He continued walking until they reached a hole in the clouds a few feet from the door of the throne room. Inside the pit were millions of screaming souls. The Angel visibly flinches as the screams become louder. "Haha, Raziel you ok, it's great isn't it."

"What is this? It looks terrible." Raziel peaks over the edge before feeling sick and having to turn around to not vomit.

"It's called hell, don't worry, it's only for people who really deserve it." The figure's voice stays calm and conversational.

"Like for murderers and humans who commit horrible acts?" Raziel feels a little better knowing that it's for people who deserve it.

"HA, no. To get up here just accept me as the one true god, its more for people I just don't like: Gays, anyone from a different religion, wiches, people like that." The figure's voice seems cheerful like they're making a grocery list.

"WTF god, Your subpost to be all loving. Plus there are thousands of religions, how do people know we are the right one? You know thousands of women were burned at the stake for what was no reason " Raziel looks horrified and starts backing up from the pit.

"My child, I love every human who isn't on that list. It's not my fault that they don't know about me." The figure laughs a deep belly laugh. "See I am all loving." The Angel looks at God with a horrified look.

"Do the people who commit horrible, inhumane acts still get punished." The little hope in Raziel's eyes was still there.

"You're funny Raziel, if they accept me then they come here, obviously." All hope in Raziel's eyes died and his wings slumped.

"Want to meet one of my favorite humans? He has a nice private island." Raziel flinches as God starts walking to the left of the pit.

"W...we can't be thinking of the same person."

"We are, I can read your mind. He has a free spot on his island." After walking for a few minutes they reached a pool of water that stretched as far as the eye can see. They continued to walk in silence across the water until they could see what appeared to be an island forming out of the fog. "I can't wait, I need a vacation." Just as they are about to step onto the island an Angel flies in front of them.

"Uh...He's about to be assassinated!" The Angel manages to choke out throw gasps.

"WHAT! HE IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE HUMANS HE MUST SURVIVE TO SPREAD MY WORD!" With a raise of his hand God sends out a beam of light, saving a human life. "He must continue to live, he is kind and must use his power to conquer lands in my name." God always spoke in a matter-of-fact voice like this was obvious.

"My god, he has done things so terrible that I can't even speak them because I'm made of pure kindness, he wants to destroy anyone: gays, straits, anyone who dissagress with him. He can't be pure." Raziel was now mad worse than mad; he was full of hate for the first time in his existence.

"He did accept me as his lord and savor so it's even."

"WHAT HOW IS IT EVEN HE HAS DONE HORRIBLE THINGS TO OTHER HUMANS AND EMPTY WORDS MAKE IT EVEN!" Raziel couldn't keep his anger to himself, he was now radiating hate in its purest form.

"You dare question me! No angel of mine will doubt me."

"You know what, I hate you. Your morals are clearly skewed." Raziel's wings suddenly burst into flames of gold and the clouds part below him causing him to fall down to hell. The clouds started to fill back in but he could still hear God speaking.

"Hey pal, sorry about that. Now about that island vacation, what package should I get?" Raziel looked horrified as he fell down to hell, he started to smell something that reminded him of a barbeque. After a few seconds he hit the ground leaving a crater behind.

"Hello, Raziel. It's about time you joined us." The figure speaking had the body of a man and the head of a goat with a candle between its horns, it was clear that this was Satan. Raziel could barely think due to the overwhelming smell and sounds of screaming."

"What's that smell, it's overwhelming."

"Oh, that's our baby barbeque. You know the baby that didn't accept God as their lord and savior."Satan spoke with the matter-a-fact voice that God used.

"THEY'RE BABIES THEY ARE FLESHY MEAT SACKS THAT CRY, THEY CAN"T POSSIBLY DO THAT!" Raziel felt even more anger, how could these figures endorse such horrible acts. They were supposed to love everyone as if they were their neighbor.

"You make it sound bad but that's just how it works."

"IT IS BAD. WE ARE SUBSISTED TO LOVE EVERYONE, THAT IS THE FOUNDATION OF OUR RELIGION!"

"It's fine, we love everyone but the gays, anyone who doesn't support our religion, wiches, new born babies, people like that."

"THAT'S MILLIONS OF PEOPLE IF NOT BILLIONS." Raziel looked around quickly catching glimpses of babies on grills over fire and millions of humans being burned in pools of blood. The smell of burnt flesh filled the seemingly endless space. He noticed whenever they were burned the burn would heal just in time for the human to be burned again. It was an endless cycle of pain and suffering.

"It's not that bad. Here's a pitch fork, go poke someone for the rest of time." Satin handed Raziel a pitchfork covered in flames.

"I can't do this anymore, Budisum here I come." With a raise of his hand Raziel opened a portal and walked into it.
"Were we that extreme? Nah, we love everyone, it's in the book." God said as he floated down next to Satan.

"Some just don't understand."

"Want to come up for a day. I bought us the VIP island package. We also get the most exclusive activities." God said waving around a pair of tickets.

"Count me in!"