Heartbreak Warfare

CHAPTER 3: Requiem on Water

"To the sofa. If I can just lean on you a little bit, I'll be fine," he said, sweat breaking out on his brow.

"Red, I would carry you there if you'd let me," she said with such an aggressive seriousness that he started to laugh. The sound so startled him that he quickly looked up at her face, having been focused on his body and her arm wrapping around his now somewhat slender waist. The mixture of pain and glee she saw there made her insides flip flop and tears pricked painfully at the back of her eyes.

"Oh, Lizzie. I have missed you. Very much. Thank you for coming. I am so glad you're here," he said, his voice all merriment and nostalgic affection checked only slightly by pain.

"I'm glad, too," she said, her lips near his short cropped hair as she held him tightly within the circle of her arm. They walked slowly to the sofa, and when he was seated comfortably, he nodded and moved her arm in the direction of the kitchen. She did as he asked. And, as the pies cooked and long after they were done, she sat beside him, and they talked in earnest for the first time in three years

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"Mornings are the best time for me. My energy usually wanes by about 11 a.m. You saw it. It goes suddenly sometimes. So, I get up early, about 5:30 a.m., and I do as much as I can. Until I can't. Then, I rest," he explained, his legs on the coffee table,and a blanket on his lap. His head rested on a pillow, as she faced Liz on the other side of the sofa. His words slightly slurred, and his eyes, so bright when she first arrived nearly two hours go, now dimmed, he seemed the embodiment of exhaustion.

"Are you taking any medication, Ray? Are you doing any treatment," she asked, her body turned toward him on the sofa, her legs crossed. Her concern was obvious, he knew, but he was trying to be clinical to some degree. She wanted as many answers as she could get from him. She needed them. She wasn't sure why she wanted to see him, or how long he had with her.

He frowned at the question and confusion momentarily darkened her features. "I'm assuming you know none of this don't you sweetheart?"

"What?" Her confusion matched his. "Ray...I'm sorry...but I..."

He shook his head slightly at her, causing his pillow to slip a bit. "I think I chose it to be that way... Told Dembe not to tell you much, didn't want to bother you...you have nothing to be sorry for, never apologize to me sweetheart. Not then, it doesn't have to change now" He stopped then, and she looked stricken. His increasingly pale face now looked lost and alone, and the lump in his throat that had been growing the more she spoke, now momentarily prevented him from explaining himself. So, she fixed his pillow, and reached her hand out to caress his cheek and he did the same, he reached out and push back her hair, wisps of which kept falling out of her loose bun. She closed her eyes at his gentle touches, and she breathed deeply. She opened her eyes and smiled down at him. She wondered how tired he was, how quickly he fell asleep now. She wondered how different his habits were now from during their year together. She knew him like a book then - every line, every punctuation mark, every crease of the page. But, now, she was unsure.

So, when he could, he spoke to her closed eyes and forlorn face: "For a long time, I did know, Lizzie. I knew what you did, but I chose differently in my side for you. Every day I asked and was given my update - on you. I could know down to the minute, the second how your day went - what you ate, who you saw, what you did, where you went. For a long time, I ... I needed almost that much," he explained softly, as he stroked her hair. "But, after a while, it seemed unfair ... to you ... and to me." His eyes opened then, and he found him close to her. His head back against the sofa cushion now, their eyes level.

"I had to move on," she said, her tone both explanatory and apologetic.

He nodded. "Yes, you did. And, so did I. That was the right thing to do. For both of us. I am only sorry now that you had to know of my illness. I didn't want to worry you, and I still don't ..." But she cut him off "i would wanted to know Red. I would have come. I would have helped. I can still help, and I will," she said gently but determinedly.

He smiled sleepily at her, a knowing smile full of understanding and sympathy. "I thought you already knew, and you were respecting me by staying away. I should have known better. But, Lizzie, there is nothing to be done. I'm don't to having tried all the available treatments - radiation, chemo, more alternative therapies. I don't believe they have worked. I am okay with it. I came to terms with my illness a long time ago. I didn't ask you here for help, not medical help anyway. I wanted to see you maybe, I don't know... I wanted you close, but I didn't want to be a burden, a bother... But now you're here, I was thinking maybe a little help, if it isn't too much to ask of you sweetheart..."

"I am willing to, Ray," she answered immediately, her emotion barely held in check. "How can I help you?"

"Spend time with me. Talk to me. Let me see that you accept my eternal gratitude for all you have done for me. I owe you everything, and I don't think I have ever thanked you properly for the life you have given me -a second chance Lizzie. I have ruined your life, haven't I? Destroying your family, Sam, Tom... A family... Years of gunshots, hurt, pain...lies...I gave them all, and I wasn't the finest lover, was I? I deprived you of years of freedom and happiness. I never had real happiness in my life, Lizzie and it all changed when when you came. I became happy, I knew happiness, what it was, how it felt...and all of it is due to you. I never deemed it was possible to be happy again, and for all the time you were with me, I was happy...when I knew you loved me I was happy... When you agreed to be with me I was happy. Meeting you sweetheart was fate. Being your best friend was a choice, but falling in love with you... It was out of my control," he said with conviction, grasping her hand that still moved through his cropped hair. She gripped it tightly for a moment before bringing it to her lips and kissing the back of it lingeringly. Then she lay her cheek against his hand tenderly, lovingly. "Thank you so much. For everything. All of it."

"Ray," her voice was a whisper, her eyes full of unshed tears.

"Please. Accept my thanks. I need you to, Lizzie," he implored, his eyes closed, her face against his hand.

"I accept," she whispered, tears spilling against her hair as he leaned closer to her. "I accept, Red."

He sighed then. Such contentment. She heard it, felt it rolling off of her in waves. He wanted to give her everything she wanted, but more. And now she would spend time with him until he couldn't stand the sight of her; she would talk to her until he couldn't stand the sound of her voice. But, she needed to do more than that. She needed to save him. Needed to know that she loved him. Loves him still. And that they're break-up is a mistake.