I'm Not Her

Prologue

"Wala akong balak na talikuran ang pamilya ko, Saev." She coldly said.

Napaharap ako sa kanya kunot ang nuo. Anong ibig nyang sabihin? Anong talikuran?

"What do you mean? Kailan mo ba sila tinalikuran? Hindi naman diba? At, pinag-usapan na natin 'to dati pa, Hindi diba?" Naguguluhan kong sabi sa kanya, ang attention ko ay nadapo sa maleta nya kaya lumapit ako para ilabas ulit ang mga damit na nilagay nya rito.

"I don't understand. Why? why are you doing this? Why are you packing your clothes and things. I thought okey na sa kanila, pero bakit? Biglaan namn ata 'to!" Hindi na ma pigilan ang boses ko at tumaas na habang patapon na nilalabas ang mga damit nya. She didn't say anything, hindi rin ako nito pinigilan sa pag labas ng mga gamit nya sa maleta.

But her silent didn't last long, and the words that came out from her mouth shuttered my soul.

"Let's end this. I still, don't see myself loving someone who's much younger than me. And worst is, is when that someone is a woman. My family is not in favor of-"

"No!" I shouted before she could even finished. Napaluhod ako at kinapa ang mga kamay nya ng nanginginig.

"Don't do this to me, please. I'm begging you... Don't.. do this to me.." puno ng pag-asa kong pasusumamo sa kanya habang nakaluhod sa harap nya, hindi lang kamay ko ang nanginginig pati narin ang aking boses. Pakiramdam ko ay binagsakan ako ng langit at lupa ngayon.

Lahat ng emotion ata ay nararamdam kona. Galit, sakit, awa sa sarili, para akong trinaydor.

Yet, instead of looking at me ay inalis nya ang kamay ko at tumayo mula sa pagkaka-upo, lumayo din ito kung saan ako at kinuha ang iba nya pang gamit na nakatupi na nung dumating ako kanina.

"Saev, stop. You want me to be honest ? Fine! The truth is I never loved you!" At sa ikalawang pag-kakataon ay napatigil ako habang gulong gulo ang utak ko, para bang tumigil ang oras dahil sa sinabi nito, para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig sa sinabi nya.

My thoughts is trying to convince me that she's lying. Yeah.. Hahaha. Damn, gumagaling na sya sa pagsisinungaling.

"Hindi magandang biro yan, where'd you learned that? HAHAHAG where's the hidden camera?" Natatawang sambit ko at pumalakpak pa, only to see her looking at me with a serious expression.

Please, tell me na nagbibiro lang sya, o kaya ay gisingin nyo ako baka panaginip lang 'to. Please...

"Do you think I'll joke about feelings? Of course, Not. I don't see future with you." That hits different, she just stabbed me with a thousands knife.

The pain feels real, masakit. It's fucking hurt! she's not joking at hindi ako na-nanaginip. Fuck! This can't be! I can't let her go, she can't just abandon me. She loved me!!

"It hurts." Was all I could say, because it freaking fucking hurt! How could she say that? She's just playing with my feelings?

Fucking hilarious! I loved her, I love her to the point I'm risking it all for her.

I love her so much. Not realizing it, I beg, I beg her to stay.

"I love you, I can't live without. Please don't leave me. Don't abandone me!" Humahagulgol kong sambit at pakikiusap sa kanya. I leaned closer and hug her tightl, not wanting to let go. Ayoko syang bitawan, nawawala ang lakas ko, natatakot akong mawala sya pag binitawan ko sya ngayon.

Pero kahit gaano pa kahigpig ang hawak ko sa kanya ay marahas nya paring natanggal ang mga kamay kong nakayap sa kanya.

"From now on. We won't see each other again. I don't want to see your face AGAIN. We're done." And just like that she walked out of the room. Leaving me broken, leaving me confused of what the hell did I do to deserve this? ang katawan ko ay parang tubig na bumagsak sa sahig habang ang mga luha ko ay patuloy parin sa pag agos.

How can she do this to me? para bang basura lang ako sa kanya na itinapon na. Laruan na pinagsawaan nya na...

Bakit? Bakit nya ako iniwan? Bakit ganito? Fucking why!!?

"Aggh, bakit..." Humahagulgol kong sambit at napayakap sa sarili ko. I cried all night until my eyes sorrow and fell asleep.

••••

It was so painful, I was in pain, I suffered, I was so vulnerable that night, I don't know if I could still survive after that night. The pain was too much to handle, I can't accept the fact that the someone who made me believe that love is real. That love is enough. That love is the most important thing in the world. Put me into this unknown feeling, uncomfortable and lost. And put so much pain to me. I'm fool, and was fooled by someone I love the most. Someone I trust.

After that painful night, out paths never cross again, I did everything in my power to find her. She mercilessly abandoned me, when all I asked for her, is to stay with me, to love me the way I loved her.

I looked for her, as I opened my eyes in the morning, after that night. But she disappeared as if she never existed. I tried to reached out but I reached nothing/no one. She really left me forever. Without telling me the real reason behind all of that.

I live in darkness for the whole year, I acted deaf and stupid. Not wanting to hear anything from the people who only wants me to heal. Not wanting them, to cheer me up. I refused to seek a therapists because I'm losing myself that time. Not thinking about their feelings, everytime I pushed them away. Acting like they don't exist. Because I was fucking vulnerable, I was lost in my own world. Hopelessly hoping that she'll come back to me.

Not thinking about the people who's stayed by my side. The people who loved me from the very first. And, how they suffered because of my stupidity. My family, friend, everyone who stayed beside me. They never complain about how I acted, how stupid I am, my stubbornness.

They didn't get tired of me.

Until I started to learn on accepting the fact that she's gone, she left me. It may took me for, like forever, but at least I realized and learned. Not everything in this life is meant to be a beautiful story.

Not every person we feel something deep with is meant to be forever. And at the time they leave. The lessons they thought as stayed forever.

I moved on, I fixed myself and open a new chapter of my life. I live my life the way I used to before she even came into my life, after healing for 1 years. And slowly building myself again, that cost me almost 3 years. I finally found myself again. I recovered and ready to face the challenges that world meant to throw at me.

Even though I moved on, it may sound pathetic, like really pathetic. Even after what happened. There's also something inside me, desired an explanation. And I could never ever remove that desire. Because we all know that the last thing we needed before finally moving forward for good, is the explanation we never got.

That explanation may not be needed in the future, but I know it will still save the question I've been holding. The question I kept for years.

So this time, putting that desire aside. I want it to be right, true and slowly. I want to focus on the real goal, enjoying my life, smile to the people who smiled at me, love those people who loved me, the people who never gave up on me.

This new chapter of mine will not be the same like before. Even though I want the explanation, it won't be the same. This is not her anymore. The old Saevene, who's weak, who used to believe that she can't live without her someone is gone.

I'm Ovi Claire Floanzo Valdez. Saevene is gone. And y'all will never see her again.

A/N : hello everyone! It's my first time publishing my story, so mag expect na kayo na may mga grammatical errors yan.

But I'll do my best to do better.

If you feel uncomfortable po sa pagbabasa I suggest na pass mo na 'to, and drop your feedback sana sa comsec.

Every 2 po ako mag u-update ng new chapter. Please be patience with me. I hope y'all understand.

Let's all be respectful, I hope there will be no comparing na magaganap, comparing someone work to your fav worker is kinda disrespectful kaya avoid natin yan. Thank you and enjoy reading!