I am just the voice of the one you love. The heart in this body is set on its desires and its mind entraps me in its enticing lure. I don't even know why I do what I do, I just know that I want to do it. But I don't know why what I want is constantly against your wants.
Every fiber of my being rebels against you and all I have given you was the voice on my lips. And even then, that same voice comes and shoots arrows to kill, steal, and destroy. I asked for freedom and you gave it to me, then I chained myself up again when I realized the cost of truly following you.
I wanted all of you but you ask so much and I fail to come close to even loving my neighbor because I can't even love myself.
My head is void and my soul is famished. My flesh is starved yet my soul finds no rest. The rest my soul finds is extinguished like a dim wick once set ablaze which shows a distant former glory from another source.
I only have the voice as of now for you as a gift. I can't tell you for how long before I start cursing you because of my brokenness that I caused.
I want to be left alone but I still seek validation and applause. I'm a chief sinner and master at running from my situations.
Ive tried in my strength and ive gotten to the point of giving up on trying to be better. I'm to the point of intentionally falling into wickedness in protest against every living person who opposes me. I'm to the point of ignoring God and trashing everything, even my soul because of the pain I'm in. I'm losing hope fast and I don't see any way out. I've tried running but I haven't found the exit. I tried helping others and ended up worse than before. I've tried giving everything to God but restlessness and anxiety remained. I surrendered all I was and depression and suicide still called my name. I tried fulfillment in love and joy and I saw just how futile this life really was. I've fallen down just to get back up. I've experienced glory and seen fulfillment. I see how unsteady life is and I don't like it. I like the unpredictable, but I hate the pattern of sin. I don't want to die but I certainly wouldn't want to be reborn in a new life again.
Everything is meaningless and God was my only conclusion. I found nothing satisfied but God but what does that matter? If I have a broken heart the next day why would I want to suffer worse from undone fulfillment.
I constantly seek approval from others. If not that then it's a journey to make money from the gifts God gave me for my own glory. I'm an abomination and this isn't nearly a percent of the story. I fall into sin and start mourning. Just to turn my back on God to the enticing luring.
Death is futile but is it really a bad option for me? Why do I rise to fall due to sins due to the cursed body I was born in? I dont blame God but im expressing my frustration at my life. I don't want momentary joy or fulfillment. One day it's here and the next it's gone. I don't want to worry and I don't want pride. I'm tired of falling down to be washed and renewed inside. But it's better than life in sin. Which is a cycle that seems so popular with my life. I'm in constant agony in my flesh and spirit and hurting God in the process. I don't want to be a tumor to God. I am broken. And I willfully sin against the one I claim to love.
So yes, I'm just a voice. A voice with no actions to show for my faith. No testimonies that I recall. I can hardly even say my own. And I'm tired of feeling all alone. I'm tired of a warped reality in my head. I'm tired of those frustrated nights on my bed. I don't want to die but I wish I were dead. I just want to go home if he will take broken pottery like me.
He does love me and cares aswell. Even when I'm at my worst.
