I'd sacrifice myself to you

Chapter 1

It was bad, it was really bad. He was miserable. Long ago had he come across the point where he drank for Gee to notice him. It was far from a habit now, it was a part of him, a way to make the feelings weak and obeyed, because alcohol knew how to do it better than he did. He'd want drinks to teach him how to drain guys up and make them lose their minds, he would cast that spell on himself too.
The drinks though, just like Frank himself, didn't know what bar it was, what date, or how short on money his pockets were. They were kinda like a person you meet for one day, too nice to actually feel sincere.
He knew it doesn't matter, that he'd find him anyway. There was some kind of an animal connection between them, that would always tie them up. And Frank was given the choice of behaving as carefree as he was, because Gee would always come to rescue him.
Not always, usually, at least. There were some times. And the thing was, you never knew who was going to haunt you down first: Gerard, or the terror of his lies.
The first, honestly felt better. And the lies felt like untreated stage of decease, left up to rot in the body, and he never wanted to go into it. But this time, oh, this time, anything was better than seeing Gee.
Frank messed up, he knew it. Today differed from other nights where he'd starve himself to sleep with the thoughts of where could he go wrong in their relationship. But now, he didn't have to wonder, nor take Gee's blame for himself, 'cuz nothing was unclear. It was just his fault this time.
Letting his sorrow spill onto the bar gave him purpose, and he kept working on it. His salary was a "thanks" from his mind and relief.
His hand landed the glass onto bar with a hard sound and hid his head in his hands. And when he lifted it again, he saw him–standing right across the place, smiling and radiating the air with his shine, he wasn't looking Frank's way. Surrounded by people, laughing and playing around, he surely didn't need someone as worthless as Frank. And Frank's love would be no more than a filthy burden to him.
He couldn't walk out, passing them at the entrance, he couldn't stand here. It was hell. He lied down on the bar again and covered his head with his hood. Oh God. Till last he was hoping not to meet him today. Of all the times when the animal instinct could've went on it, chose to today.
He didn't know what to do, so there wasn't much for him to hope for, other then for fate to make it's foresights come to life by itself.
But was he really letting Gee to just let be there? So close, yet so distant and far. Did he notice him already, and was just pretending not to?
Frank couldn't bear the thought of it.
He was always a last choice for Gee to run to when no one was around anymore, and he didn't have an option other than to come around with it. At all times, he'd felt his worth crushed and taken away by it, but there was nothing he could do, because he loved Gerard too much. He could've been as poor as it was possible, and it will wouldn't change anything. Maybe Gerard did care, but what if he did? Every single time, it was the same cycle repeating over and over, like a same scenario film being remastered with slight variations. And Frank tried to cling on to them, to believe that every time it was a start of something new, but it wasn't. His self assurances were too woke to actually convince him. So the only thing he could trust, going into a recession, a loss of his mind. Which drugs and alcohol worked perfectly for.
He never fucked anyone when Gee wasn't around. He could've, easily, he'd done it before. But whether it was for moral reasons, or the fact that he was most sober when he was with him and could actually stand on his both once in a while, he didn't.
And Gee fucked everyone. Sometimes Frank wondered if he could've done it in public, in front of him, if not the shame. Frank wasn't a reason for anything for him. Well, maybe a reason not to worry that someday he'll have no one who'll glaze him.
That was until then a few weeks ago. Frank was finally sober, for once. And his head was throbbing, eyes burning, making him irritated. And then there was Gee, from whom he couldn't run away, 'cuz the tour was yet to be finished. And so a perfect stage for unsettled conflicts was made. Frank was desperate to make Gee feel what he was feeling constantly for years. And for him, to whom Frank being clean wasn't too much of a reason for things to change, it didn't look like something reasonable and worth paying time for. So they did was swear and fight. And then on the last day, getting on that goddamn bus, Frank did something he'll be feeling sorry.
He told Gee he loved him.