It's just me

My inner demons.

Jealousy. Something I've always had a problem with. I was jealous of this new guy since day 1. Probably because his day 1 was right after I had ended things with her. Her last words to me before we had broken up were, "I hope you know I'm going to be broken for a while. You were the only one to treat me so well. It's going to be a very very long time before I see myself in another relationship." I don't know if I don't know the definition of "a very very long time," but I'm almost sure that it's a little bit longer than 16 hours. A lot longer. The early days of her new relationship with him were hell for me. She might not have been my girlfriend, but she was still my best friend, so naturally I heard everything about her relationship. We continued to talk to each other for about a month or so. After that, I decided to drop communication with her. I didn't come into contact with her for another few months. When I had finally decided to shoot her a message, I learned that her relationship with him had crashed and burned. This made me happy in a twisted sense. I saw this as an opportunity to take her back, to make her mine once again. But as expected, I was left with nothing but a broken heart, and a broken friendship. A few days after I had my heart broken again, she had told me that she decided to give this guy another chance. I was expecting it, since she has given me several chances during our relationship. I told her that I was happy for her, that I hoped this time it lasted and she would be happy again. 6 months later and she was still with him. Never in my life would I ever hope again that a relationship goes far when I knew damn well I wanted it to end.  At this point, I was terrified. Terrified that I would never have a chance with her again. I would tell her, others, and myself that I didn't have feelings for her. It wasn't until one day that she invited me to her soccer game that was at my high school, I accepted her invitation in a heart beat. This would have been the first time that I had seen her in months. It was a little over a year since we had broken up, so I knew that the feelings had to be dead. When the game finished, she came up to me and gave me a short hug. I was crushed that it didn't last longer. We talked, reminisced about old memories that we shared on that field, and than she finally introduced me to him. This was the first time we had ever met in person so I tried to keep the awkwardness at a minimum. She told me she would be right back and began to talk to who I think was this guy's dad. I watched her every move that night. The thing that killed me the most was watching her wrap her arms around him and then kiss him. The same way that she used to kiss me. At this point, my jealousy was at an all time high. I wanted to storm off and never speak to her again, but I didn't. Because I didn't know when we would see each other again. When she came back, I made an excuse that I had to leave. She gave me a hug and I made sure to hold her as tight and as long as I possibly could. I shed a single tear and tried my hardest to stand my ground. When I watched her walk off that field, her hand in his, I ran. Ran all the way home. When I got there I remember smashing everything I could. Pictures, windows, I even broke my phone that evening. A few days later she messaged me saying that she thought she has gotten rid of all of her feelings for me, but seeing me again that night, had revived something inside of her. The forgotten and suppressed feelings that she STILL had for me. This has given me hope. I thought she was going to ask me to take her back, but she told me something even worse. She told me that her and him had the marriage conversation and that they both agreed they would be happy if it did get to that point. I ended the conversation. I went berserk yet again. Except that night instead of breaking objects, I broke myself. I ended up in a hospital for 3 months. She never knew this and when she reads this, this will be the first time she's heard about it. My jealousy is still bad, but I've learned to control myself to some extent. The only thing that could really set me off is hearing that name again. I only wish I would've had told her sooner, because maybe things would have been a bit different when it came to me becoming jealous.