My eyes glistened in the moon light as I looked up in wonder. I wondered about what people thought of me, what they were saying when I couldn’t read their lips, what the night sounded like. My deafness got in the way with everything, my education, my friends, love. Tony Private was a boy that came into my life when I was 13, his bright blue eyes trapped me as soon as they connected with mine, as soon as he flicked his golden fringe out of his face and I saw, as soon as he said hello. He walked past me during lunch break, I was sitting in the corner, and he took my breath away with every step. I know that it sounds cheesy, but that is what love is. I was 13 and denying any feeling, especially love, I thought that I just had a silly crush, not that I loved him, I wasn’t one to fall in love because I didn’t let anybody into my life, maybe I just needed a friend. I was in the tub, my skin prickled as the wind blew, remember we bath outside, everyone had gone inside I took it the best opportunity to do my private things. No, not masturbation, I took the razor off my shaver and placed it hard against my skin until it ripped. The brightness of the red stood out from the paleness of my skin, it dripped slowly down my arm two the crease of my elbow. The pain of the sharp razor edged into my skin, I clinched at the pain but then relaxed after it was over. The word Perfect was scared into my body, irreversible, there forever, so that everyone knew that I wasn’t perfect. I walked into the dorm where all the girls sat either gossing or screaming like crazy, but all eyes spotted my bloody arm, as my eyes met theirs the mouths closed, eye refocused on the girl opposite them, to begin the whispers.
Remember how I was telling you how Sarah Maybell was asking me if we weren’t good enough, that moment was the first time that words escaped my mouth. I don’t know why I did it, but the desperation on Sarah’s face was more than I could handle. “We can’t cope with a family” I think I said, but I think she understood because she wiped her face and approached me, “your deaf, aren’t you” I read, her face expressions showed a mixture of deep sympathy and a broken heart. As I nodded I sat down on her bed, she followed and fell back, head missing the weak dry wall by a few centimetres. I have never said anything else except those few words, I have written down words, I have been taught and used sign language, but I don’t like talking because I don’t know what I sound like, but I know it does sound like a deaf person because Sarah could tell. Sarah and I sat in silence, she looked at me at one point opening her mouth but the words didn’t come out as if she was going to ask a sensitive question but her brain lassoed it back before it was too late. After five minutes of awkward silence I decided that we weren’t getting anywhere.
The first time Tony approached me he was with his best mate, Daniel. I know what you’re thinking, why I would love a boy who is best friends with my worst enemy. But the thing is that he is nothing like Daniel, sweet and friendly, creative and helpful, he can’t be like Daniel he taught me sign language. Tony was one of the few people that knew about my secret, we had gotten really close, and I had told him, wrote it down on a piece of paper, covered in love hearts and xs.
Dear Tony,
I know this will come as a bit of a surprise, but I am deaf. That is why I don’t talk, obviously. I understand if you don’t want to be my friend anymore. And there is one more thing… don’t tell anyone.
Love From Angie xx
Tony scanned the letter, the damp grass suddenly felt uncomfortable as I waited for a reaction. I was surprised when it occurred; Tony took the letter, crunched it up into a tight ball, lent forward and kissed me. His tongue surged threw my silent mouth as our lips moved as one, one hand was in my short tattered hair and one was on my knee, squishing tighter as our kiss got passionate. We sat down in the grass for three hours, going in and out of kiss, each time got passionate until we had barley any clothes. No one ever found out about us, not even that we were friends. At 11.00 every night Tony and I met up and made love outside in the bush. The first couple of times it was awkward because the bush would get in the way, or there would be a puddle, but once it came to a week it was simple and special. Nothing in the world meant more to me then the moments I shared with Tony.
When Tony and I weren’t all over each other, he was teaching me how to speak sign language. Before Tony was sent into the orphanage he had a deaf sister, his mum taught him how to communicate with her. Toni’s mum and sister died in a murder, his grandma was also dead but from old age and he didn’t know his dad so he was sent to the orphanage. Every day, between the sex, Tony taught me five phrases, then we would kiss and go to bed. Now you probably think I am a slut, but my life was worthless, I didn’t have a care in the world, and I wasn’t planning to live past 20, so I thought I may as well do it while I had the chance. Tony and I were ‘together’ until that day my heart was ripped out of my chest.
Tony and I had just finished my ‘lesson’ when Tony overheard a fight coming from the office in the orphanage. The office was where you sign the forms when you adopt a child. Tony wanted to check it out, but I didn’t want anyone to see we were together so I decided to stay back. Tony crept up to the window where he saw a man, in his mid thirties stoned with a gun. He was harassing the head sectary; she was refusing to go back to his hotel.
“If you don’t come back to my hotel, I will kill all the little orphans,” he said in a wobbly voice. Tony was up on the window sill when I joined him, I was getting curious. As Tony and I were perched up on the window sill, the drunken man saw us.
“What do we have here, two little nosey kids, we don’t want them to know that you aren’t coming with me, do we?” he continued, but the sectary still refused, she seemed to believe he wasn’t going to shoot us… well she was wrong.
Tony didn’t have a funeral; the orphanage didn’t have enough money. We did have a little ceremony for him, just in the backyard. I remember seeing the head sectary crying as she said a few words. After she was finished she asked if anyone else wanted to say something, no one did.
That night at 11.00pm I went to our bush, for the first time in my whole life, I cried. I wish he had shot me, I have nothing in my future, he did, he was going to be a teacher, I thought as the tears ran down my face. An hour had passed and I was still crying, I heard a rustle in the bushes when Sarah’s face appeared. She sat down and said “wanna talk?” I didn’t want to talk, but I did anyway. Our conversation was on paper, even she wrote down what she said.
Sarah, why are you here? How did you know I was here?
Angie, I knew about you and Tony… I understand that you would be hurting.
You didn’t answer my question…
I followed you and Tony one night… I was sneaking a drink from the shower when I saw you; I didn’t see anything but I knew there was something… What were you doing?
I loved him Sarah… You are my only friend, yet we don’t talk, but we did…
You didn’t answer my question…
What do you think?
Did you… like… you know?
If ‘you know’ means have sex… then yes
… You guys aren’t even married.
So… It doesn’t matter if you don’t have rings; they are only a symbol of love. We loved each other, so we had every right.
Alright… How are you feeling now he is dead?
I feel… nothing… I feel that I am too, dead.
That happens…
Can you go away…?
No. You need me… You need a shoulder to cry.
After that she grabbed my hand, and I cried on her shoulder all night.
YOU ARE READING
Watching Lies Unfold
Teen FictionAngie has a big secret and she only tells it to people she trusts.. Be one of those people.
