I hate who i am right now. I feel like.....im running a long outdated system. It feels like fitting my foot in a shoe that's half the size and consequently running my feet bloody. Just because those shoes were my favourites and im just scared to replace them because walking barefoot, oh its so so scary. And so I wake up every morning and force my feet into those old, glittery, beautiful, pink fairy shoes that once made me light up. Hoping and hoping and hoping they will fit this morning. But deep down I know the truth. They will never fit. And every morning when I wake up, my feet bleed again. My heart bleeds. My soul bleeds. And im spitting and puking out all the blood, polluting and contaminating and fucking everything and everyone around me. Im not only destroying myself, im destroying everthing and everyone around me, because I AM selfish and I cant stand living in misery alone and so I have to drag exactly the people who love me and care about me the most down with me. and everytime I promise myself to get better, to be nicer, kinder, gentler, happier, to be the sun I always used to be, my bloody insides remind me again and threaten and warn and promise to spill outside and I cant control the blood, I cant tame it, cant cant cant. I hate who I have become. I am exhausted. Each morning I wake up, I want to cry. I have no hope, no excitement, nothing but deep, black, consuming emptiness. I am falling and falling and falling into a never ending hole that pulls me down, stronger than gravity ever could. I feel so guilty for destroying everything that I touch. And all I want, all I crave, all I can think about are those beautiful pink shoes and what if they fit, what if I am just doing something wrong, what if I will never find better, what if one day, if I just don't give up, if I just believe and hope long enough, they will just fit again, what if, what if, what if. I am losing myself in possibility. I am doing exactly what I was terrified of doing. I am wasting and wishing my entire life away, hating everyone, hating everything, hating myself. I have been stuck in this loop for months. But my soul has grown incredibly, hopelessly, endlessly tired. Tired of hating, tired of hoping, tired of crying, tired of fighting, tired of wanting to fucking die. And each passing day, it feels like my life is forcing me to throw those shoes away, to just fucking dare to let go and TRUST whatever will happen if I do. Every situation, every time im being ghosted, everytime im being hurt, stabbed and left to bleed, I can take it just a little bit less. The glass of my tolerance, once full to do everything to make those shoes fit again, to go back in time and repeat, repeat, repeat, has now dried empty. My life force is gone. Those shoes are sucking my life force. Those shoes are killing my soul. Those shoes are not my friends. The misery and sadness and guilt and pain are far too big to ignore anymore. Each morning I wake up to try them on, I die just a tad more. But it has become too heavy and too consuming to ignore. Even though I want, I crave, I yearn with every fiber, cell and atom of my body to make them fit again, I will soon die if I don't just fucking let go. I feel it, I cannot handle it anymore. I have lost all hope, happiness and control over myself. Nothing is supporting the shoes and every rational part of me, every part of my life is telling me to LET IT GO. Every situation and every glance, every tear, every feeling, every intuintion, every sign is telling me, begging me, SCREAMING AT ME TO FUCKING STOP TRYING THE SHOES ON AND FUCKING LET GO. Reality is slapping me over and over again and I feel vulnerable and stupid and desperate and frustrated. I know I have to let go, once and for all. I have to, if I want to survive. And I do. I genuinely, wholeheartedly, really do. I NEED change. Even though I have always been deadly afraid of change, of what might expect me on the other side, I fucking crave whatever will come, because it cannot be possibly worse than this. I want to throw those shoes away. I want to let go. Let go of all the good memories, let go of hope, let go of the craving, let go of fear, and finally, finally change. Because I cant handle one more second of this. One more second of hating my entire life again, when I had sworn myself to love it and live it. So I let go. I am letting go now. It is over. And whatever will come on the other side, I will embrace it with open arms because it will be good.
