You were curled up on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, reading through yet another baby book. Seven months pregnant meant you were practically living in a cozy nest of pillows, snacks, and highlighters. The baby kicked as you flipped the page.
"Apparently you're the size of a pineapple this week," you murmured to your belly. "That sounds fun. And painful."
The moment was peaceful—until it wasn't.
The front door burst open.
Chris stormed inside, wide-eyed and pale. "NOPE. I REFUSE. I'M OUT. I CAN'T—"
Vigilante sprinted in behind him, practically vibrating. "WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME IT LOOKED LIKE THAT?!"
You blinked slowly. "...What did you two do?"
Vigilante threw his arms up.
"We watched a birth video."
Chris pointed at the ceiling like he had a personal vendetta with the universe.
"THAT WAS NOT A VIDEO. THAT WAS A DEMONIC SUMMONING."
You stared at them over your book. "And what, exactly, did you think a baby comes out of?"
Chris pointed at your stomach, scandalized. "NOT! LIKE! THAT!"
Vigilante stomped in place. "There was goo, YN. Goo. So much goo. And screaming. And then more goo!"
"I didn't know about the goo either!" Chris defended.
You slowly closed the book. "You two have seen aliens burst out of skulls, parasitic worms, people explode—"
"Exploding people wasn't as bad," Vigilante muttered.
"—but childbirth is where you draw the line?"
"YES!" they both shouted.
You sighed. "Well, you'd better adjust. I'm giving birth in two months."
Both men froze like you'd activated some secret kill switch.
Vigilante whispered, "Can we... like... be unconscious for that part?"
Chris nodded vigorously. "Yeah. Just—tap us in when the baby is clean and not covered in... you know. Birth slime."
You burst into laughter, clutching your belly.
"Do you wanna miss the birth of our child?" you teased. "Why did you knock me up then?"
Chris opened his mouth. Closed it. Opened it again.
"...I didn't know it was gonna be that intense, babe."
Vigilante nodded. "He genuinely didn't. I saw the moment his soul left his body."
Chris groaned, running a hand through his hair. "Oh my god... I'm gonna pass out in the delivery room."
"You better not," you said, nudging him. "I'll never let you forget it."
He leaned into you, still pale, still shaken. "I love you. And the baby. And I swear I'll... try not to faint. But no promises."
Vigilante gently sat on your other side. "If he passes out, don't worry—I'll help. I've been practicing dragging bodies."
"That does not make me feel better," Chris muttered.
But the two stayed there, flanking you like your personal, traumatized guard dogs, while you reopened your baby book and continued reading.
And miraculously...
They were quiet.
