IBADAT

Back in time?!

My head pounded as I woke up groggily, clutching it as if it would stop it from hurting. The memories rushed back to me as I remembered what I did and where exactly I could be considering the stunt I just pulled. I looked around, waiting for it to be a hospital room, but it wasn't. It was my room, the same color as it used to be before I painted it, with the doodling on the wall that I did thinking it was cool. I horridly looked at the clock as it showed 4 pm, the exact same time when I did what I did in the other world.

The other world? Where the hell was I? Yes, it was the same room, my room, but the color, the decor, and everything else was different. I looked down at the clothes I was wearing, but they were loose and breezy, something one would wear in summer. But I remember clearly it was winter. I looked at my hand and eventually my wrist. There was a scar there, a faint one, but nonetheless there. I cut my wrist, I remember, but now no blood was oozing.

I hurriedly removed the blanket and ran out of the room. What I saw made me pause; it was my house, but different. It looked like something it used to look like 10 years ago. I clutched my head as it throbbed more painfully. The memories rushed to me, but now they were not vivid but clear, as if they were something that happened yesterday.

What had happened in the school the previous day, my friends (if I could even call them that), my best friend, my teachers—everything came rushing back to me. I gulped a huge amount of air as I heard a voice from behind calling me didi. I turned around as my eyes widened with surprise. It was my brother, but that was not it; he looked younger, way younger than the last time I saw him. I rushed to him and crouched on his level. He is not more than 7 years old. I cried looking at him and engulfed him in a hug with shivering hands.

Listening to the commotion, my mother came and looked at us. I half laughed and half cried as I went towards her and hugged her.

"What happened, Meera? Did you have a bad dream?" She asked me worried as I wailed in her arms.

I nodded my head in yes.

"Yes, Ma, it was a terrifying dream."

"Didi, stop crying and go take a shower; you stink." My brother's voice from behind cut my crying session as I looked at him and smiled through eyes full of tears. He was still the same even after 10 years.

Ma also ordered me to sit down and asked me if I wanted to eat something, but I declined, and something rushed to me in my memory. It was my best friend... Tarana. From everything I could gather right now, I can conclude that somehow I have reached back in time, and considering my brother's age, it must be about 10 years. So right now I must be in 8th class, and Tarana will move away in 10th class 2 years from now.

"Ma, I forgot something at Tarana's house; I'll be back in a minute." I spoke hurriedly as I rushed outside towards my friend's house. I was going to meet her after 10 years. I ran as fast as I could and upon reaching there banged her gate. Her mother groggily opened the door as she looked at me half asleep. Oops, I guess I woke her up.

"What has happened, Meera? Why are you banging the door mid-afternoon?" She asked me, puzzled, as I grinned at her.

"It's nice meeting you, aunty, after so many years. Where is Tarana?" I asked her, holding my breath, my heart pounding.

"Come inside; she is in her room." She opened the door for me as I walked inside their house. It was the same as it used to be before: a two-bedroom house with a small kitchen. I took a deep breath as I moved towards her room; my breath hitched at her sight. She looked at me, rubbing her eyes and yawning.

I ran towards her and hugged her while she tried to balance herself and me.

"Have you officially lost your mind, Meera?" She asked me so casually, as if she was almost expecting a yes.

"I missed you; I missed you so much you have no clue." I spoke half sobbing, half laughing.

That was as true a statement as if someone said that Mount Everest was the highest peak in the world. I missed her; I missed her like crazy. I was never the same person again without her. When she left, she took a part of me with her. She was my anchor, someone that made me more human and less miserable. I could never find a friend like that again.

"You just saw me today in school, Meera," she deadpanned as I laughed, breaking the hug.

"I did, didn't I?"

"I am sorry, Aunty and Taru, that I barged in here like that. I just had a bad dream and wanted to see her as soon as possible. I'll leave now." I spoke as Taru. My best friend looked at me like I had grown two heads.

"Are you okay? Did you hit your head somewhere? Sorry and you meera?"

I ruffled her hair as I did namaste to Aunty and walked towards my house, looking at her one last time.

Her words repeated in my ears: "Sorry, and you, Meera?"

Yes, sorry, and me taru.

My pace slowed, remembering how I came here and what had happened in those past 10 years. I had cut my wrist and committed suicide. That was the last thing I remembered: the blood, the screams, and finally the silence. after Taru left in 10th class and shifted to another city. I joined a coaching center of engineering and prepared for JEE Mains. That place was hell on earth.

I was the topper of my class up until 10th class. So, like every other parent, mine too decided to make me an engineer. They put me in the costliest institute they could find and made me a scapegoat of their wishes. I don't blame them honestly because they wanted the best for me, and this was their best. But engineering was not something that called me towards itself. Yes, the glory of it all was attractive—the IITs and NITs—but that was all about it. There was nothing remotely attractive about it other than that.

Alas, I did it all for them, but I was terrible at it. I was constantly scoring bad marks, and that was a blow to my self-esteem. From being the topper to someone who was last on the list of ranks among my class, it was a humiliating experience, and I had to go through it every week. And the sad part was I could not even complain about it to my parents because they wanted me to be an IITian, and here I was barely passing; I was just wasting their hard-earned money, and so I had no right to complain about it.

As a result, I had developed severe anxiety issues and OCD. I started to have panic attacks, and my mental health deteriorated. Obviously I was not going to pass the JEE Mains exam, but I scored in the 92nd percentile. But that was not the worst part. I couldn't score marks in my board exams, and therefore I was not allowed to sit in JEE Advanced. My mother, after witnessing my board exams, had a minor heart attack.

I obviously couldn't get into any college, let alone IIT, and had to get admission for a Bachelor of Science at a local college. There, because of low self-esteem, I had a group of friends that were the worst, and then followed a series of betrayals in friendships.

Eventually my mental health deteriorated further, and I couldn't keep up and did what I did.

Every single day of my life I used to think if I could just go back in time, I would make everything right and speak up about what I wanted. I would tell my parents that I don't want to do engineering. Yes, there was a possibility that they would be disappointed with me or even angry, but I would fight for it. And most importantly, I would not lose my best friend. I would not let her leave.

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