notes, poems, and anything else

sydneys note

Sydney,

This is really hard for me to write because we've been best friends for probably like 3 years. I don't know how else to do this other than writing to you, even if my words are shit, I should be good at writing, but I think that's only for fiction, because I have no idea what to say. First of all, I can't do this anymore. I can't do the arguing, the awkward talks after, the you picking everyone else over me when you feel like it and I feel like shit, the you pretending nothing happened after I pour my whole heart into you. I also have an issue with one more thing. You choose when you want to be friends. I put in my 100% all the time unless I can't, or I feel like you don't care anyways. You choose when you want to put effort in and it's when you notice something bad but then get mad when I can't put the effort in, so you stop putting in effort for us. Or if we get into an argument, we don't talk for weeks until I apologize, which is not the type of person I want to be friends with. We've been best friends for years, like I know your whole immediate family, and I love them to death. That's a big reason why I don't want to do this, because I genuinely love your family like my family and this hurts 10 times more than if you were a random friend of mine. We've had the same awkward conversation for years now, but at least back then, you gave me a bit more. We went from having the "how are you" conversation 4 times a day to 1, so we can't even give each other that. We never talk unless something big happens. I don't want to be one of those friends who only talk to brag or vent. I want to hear about your entire day, and hear things that made you mad, even if it was something little, like stubbing your toe. I think we want different things, though, and this isn't working for me. It's hurting me a lot and making me feel worse than I already feel. I miss the old us. The ones who would call everyday. The ones who would text in all caps over something, like a weird guy saying a crazy pick up line. The ones who watched Kylie get mad over a memory card game and comfort her, or the ones who cuddled unintentionally in your bed. We're not those people anymore. We both know that. We're awkward, and give each other the silent treatment, but not on purpose, because there's nothing that's the same anymore, so there's nothing to say. We're not middle schoolers anymore, we're in high school, and we're both becoming different people. I know this is hard, because Madisyn told me what your text said that one time, even when you told her not to. I know it's difficult, but it'll be okay. I can't have the ''friend' title anymore, let alone the 'best friend' title. It's felt like that for a long time, though. Like I'm talking to you because I feel obligated to. I've been so scared to do this, because I was/am so reliant on you. I need to be more dependant and you'll have/ do have a boyfriend and won't need me anyway. You have Madisyn, and I think she'll honestly be a better fit for you than I will, and you've shown me that multiple times over the past year, so I'm done wasting my time and breath trying to fix something that we're pretending didn't die over a year ago. I hate to do this, I really do, and I don't want you to hate me, but I understand if you do. Please don't try to make things better, because we've tried so many times. We get in the same spot and start over again and again in its own little cycle. I'm really sorry, really I am. I love you so so much, I love your family. Give them a hug for me, please, tell them I love them so much. Maybe we can try to be friends in the future, when we're more mature and more ready for this 'us' thing. I love you so much. I really really do,so don't think this is me not loving you, because it's quite the opposite. I'm protecting us from hating one another. And maybe you do hate me, which is understandable because I'm "breaking up" with you over a note, which is shitty, but I can't even look you in the eyes anymore, so I think this is the best way to do this. And I'm sorry, really. I wouldn't do this if I didn't feel like I had to to continue being happy all the time. Not that I will be over this, but I think this'll save me the heartbreak of me expecting things only for it to never come, rather than the heartbreak of pretending to be friends with someone when I feel that they don't want anything to do with me anymore.

           I love you,

           Paityn