Toxic (DavisDurst story)

Chapter 1: Thoughts

[JON'S POV]

"FUCK YOU!" I yelled at the door after he closed it. I took the closest object I found, an old lamp I bought years ago, and threw it at the door. The lightbulb breaks instantly, creating a gigantic mess in my house. However, it's not enough. My anger is still at its climax. I grab the plate that was on the table next to me and slam it on my leg, breaking it. It breaks in multiple pieces, including one that cut my leg.

"Fuck!"

Even if I was wearing pants, it was sharp enough to pierce them. Blood was now dripping from my leg and I was starting to feel the pain. I sit down, in the mess I created and put my head in my arms.

Why? Just why? Why does it affect me so much?

I didn't want to but I couldn't help it, I started to cry. Not loud sobs but little tears that rolled on my face.

I hate this situation. I fucking hate this situation. I just want to stop being sad each fucking day. Can't it just stop? Can't I just mean it when I smile? Can't I just laugh? I wish I could. Even before I met him, it was difficult but now? It's even worse. I hate this situation. I hate him.

I hate them.

I hate her so fucking much.

I look at my hands. There was some blood on them. They were ugly. Too thin. No men's hands should be that thin. I felt disgusted by my own body

I'm so ugly that's probably the reason why all this is happening to me. Fuck! I'm a piece of shit. Really. That's the reason why, I'm sure.

My house was silent. That's rare knowing I'm blasting music every time. It felt very uncomfortable, like I was alone in my mind and god, I hate being alone in my thoughts. They are eating me like worms eat dead bodies. That may be what I am, a simple dead body, unable to be pretty or loved. Fuck!

I'm a piece of shit. A real piece of shit who is crying because I can't believe someone can be happy. Because I wonder why all the shitty things are happening to me and not to others. Maybe it's because I deserve it. Fuck! I'm so selfish. I'm so fucking selfish. He can't be happy. He needs to. But hey, why can't I? Why does it always need to be him?

I hear a knock on my door. I don't want to open. I want to be alone. So fucking alone like always. I was trying to pull my hair as strong as I could, just to feel something even if it was pain. I was still crying like a fucking loser. Another part of me wanted, however, to open just to feel a little less alone in my mind. Maybe someone's presence will shut my thoughts?

"The door is open" I said sadly, trying not to cry again.

Trent enters.

Outside the band, Trent is my best friend. He knows every little detail about me. Every scar and every trauma of my childhood. He is the singer of Nine Inch Nails and his schedule was as full as mine. We see each other less often now but before, we were hanging out every single day.

"What the fuck happened here Jon? What is all this mess? You did that?"

"Yeah..." I slowly said, still sitting on the floor

"But why?"

"It's nothing. It's stupid.... Whatever"

"Just talk to me"

"I-I don't know..."

"God damn! It's not that hard! Just tell me."

I really like Trent. He is really a good best friend but he never lived what I lived. Never been in my shoes. He never got bullied or scared or beaten up. He had life the easy way and I'm jealous of him for that but I'm also kinda sad because it means he doesn't really understand me?