Okay so me and my mom recently have been at each others throats for a while recently. It was usually over stuff I've done wrong, which happens to be quite often because I have a bit of a knack for trouble. Any how we usually get on really bad arguments that leaves us both sobbing.
It sucks honestly, I have a bad problem with bottling up my emotions so when we start it's like a dam breaks. No not break it shatters into a million pieces and all emotions I hold against my mom, against myself, come spewing out. Everything from rage, to sadness, self-loathing...... All off it comes out and..... And I fall apart.
With all these emotions my sanity shatters under its powerful ocean of feeling. All bad thoughts that have ever ran through my mind flash through and it is horrible. I always want to do bad things when these fights start.
And I know it's my fault too, I may try to blame my mom but it's not her fault...... It's never her fault. If I could just stay out of trouble my life would be so much easier. But it's so hard, I just.... Any rule is meant to be broken every guideline. That's all it is, it's a guide it has no purpose. I'm sorry mom I love you so so much, I hate to see you cry. It's so bad because I know you're crying because of me. Your crying because your daughter can't do anything right. She can't listen to your rules, she can't meet your standards. She can't be successful in school without sacrificing her happiness.
And she lies. I lie, I say I'm fine but I'm not. I say that therapy will help but it won't! I say I hate you but I don't I love you with all my heart you are mother and I love you. When I say I hate you it is a lie I only hate myself. I hate myself for making you cry. For trying to make myself happy even if it goes against your rules. I know I need to stop but I can't even if you cry I want to be happy... I will try my hardest to sacrifice that but for now I need to work. I need to work on accepting the only reason I get mad at you, is because I hate how even if you also strip me from what makes me happy...... I always forgive you..... And I forgive myself for making you cry even if I shouldn't. I really shouldn't..... No matter how much I punish myself for what I do it will never be enough. I will always be..... Just a scourge of your name. It will never be enough... I will always fall, I will always fall because I can never accept the heart ache I cause. I should just leave but I can't. It won't work even though I try. You'll always look for me, look for me and force yourself to be unhappy when you do because you'll remember what I did. My mistakes, all the heart ache of dealing with me.
Why won't you help me help you. Just let me leave mom. Let me make you happy. I just want a real smile. One real smile.
I love you mommy and I'm sorry I make you cry. I just can't..... I can't fix it..... I'm sorry...
