What if I would jump this weekend?
I could write a list of what to do when I'm gone.
I would visit my grandparents, enjoy the time with them, talk to my passed away grandpa, telling him how my life goes, help them for once maybe if I didn't do it all these years, hug them for one last time tightly, knowing I won't meet them ever again.
I would go to school that Friday, in my favorite clothes, bringing my favorite things, taking pictures, even though I can't have my phone with me, hugging my friends and enjoying the time with them. Saying my final goodbyes. Would the person who hates every sort of physical touch hug me just for one time? Probably not. I dont know.
After everything, maybe eating my favorite food and saying goodbye to my dog, I'd grab my favorite horse plushie and my headphones. I would visit my other grandparents in my neighborhood, talk with them, enjoy some of the last minutes, then say a long and hurtful goodbye to them.
Then would come the hardest part. I would say my goodbyes to my family. I would hug my mom, my dad, and my little brother for long, long minutes. I would say goodbye to my dog one last time. It might sound bad but he would miss the most and my little brother.
I would already say bye and apologize for my cowardness to the people at the stables.
Then the last parts of the puzzle. I would send a text to my best friend. Apologizing for everything Ive caused her and thanking her deeply for putting up with me all this time. She won't have to anymore. She would probably be the only I would tell what I'll do. Of course, she wouldn't believe me. Ive joked about this too many times. Just not this time.
Then would come the more tricky part. Sneaking out and I get on the bus to travel into the city.
I would probably go to the small mountain there since I always thought it was pretty how it was facing the river. It's just so mesmerizing watching the water from up there. I would sit there and watch it for a while, time not being important anymore. Then I would slowly stand up and I would step put of the fence. I would look down before closing my eyes and accepting my fate. I would slowly lean forward and let the gravitation pull me towards the ground. I would hopefully die. Would my body splatter everywhere? Or would I magically survive? I hope neither. Someone might rob me. Not the best country. I would of course have my ID, my phone, and a note with me on it with all my codes.
Someone would call the police. They would call my parents. I can practically see my mother break down. Funny. She never really show that she cares for me. I would also write a note for them. I dont know where I would put it. Maybe on my bed. Maybe it would be with me. I dont know. It would be a meaningful letter to me. Not that it would matter anymore. I would thank them for raising me, for everything. Literally. Every. Tiny. Bit. They always told me to be more grateful. I would be in that letter. I would apologize, of course. For my whole life. For giving up, for failing, for not being strong enough, for not trying harder, for being a mess, for not being the daughter they wanted, for not being able to achieve the small things they asked for, for making everything and your lives harder than it already is. for not being enough. I would also apologize for not speaking up but not being able to. It's not that easy. Being silenced all your life then suddenly being asked about how your feelings and thoughts. I also despise all my feelings and I hate it even more for feeling certain ways. No. For feeling at all. I would write this down to them. I also hate admitting my feelings because I hate myself for feeling that way. Demonic circle, isnt it? And I hate the thought of people knowing how I feel, saying how I feel like they know me. And I hate that people would think of me differently just because I feel a certain way. I also hate when people refer to my feelings. They dont know me. I know myself. They dont. I also hate to open up. And here I am. But I also open up too easily because I have so much in my mind that I can't bear it alone. Makes me feel pathetic and weak. But if I dont the thoughts and the suppressed feelings would chase me to actually jumping.
And if I dont the open up I get either some shit called sympathy or just in general, indifference. Like it's nothing. It doesn't matter. It makes me so frustrated I could rip out my throat. I dont get sympathy. I refuse to believe it's a real thing in people and they dont just fake it. It worths nothing. I hate it. I fucking despise it. It's shitty and making you feel shitty because of it. It does not feel good. It's just fucking pity in sugar coating.
I also fucking hate asking for things. Anything. Literally. Feels like I'm a burden and nothing is ever enough for me. Even if it's just small thing like food.
Back to topic.
Would anyone care if I would jump?
Would anyone come to my funeral?
Would anyone cry?
Or would I be mourned then be forgotten fast?
Would my friends miss me?
Would they cry for me?
Or would they be happy that I'm finally gone?
And how would my classmates react?
And would my family cry?
Or would they pretend after a day that everything's okay?
Would they miss me?
Would they blame themselves?
Would my family fall apart even more?
Would they be disappointed?
Would they think I'm a pitiful coward?
Or if not, what would they think about me?
These are the questions that keep lingering in my mind.
I would miss my dog very much.
Would I meet my grandpa?
Or my old dogs?
Would I go to heaven if there's a place like that?
No, I probably wouldn't.
But if I go to hell I won't meet them.
I won't meet my family once they follow me to death.
That would hurt. Painfully.
I would rather be an alcoholic than to die.
Self harm is a form of healing, no? I think so.
Or maybe just a cigarette when I'm down.
No. Forget it. Never.
Addiction is shitty. I know. I dont want to fall into it.
But the energy drinks would help. That an addiction as well but oh well, it's too late.
Maybe if I drink enough my heart will finally stop.
But no, that's not a good idea either.
Maybe one day everything will be over.
Maybe one day.
YOU ARE READING
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RandomI'm writng this for myself. If you read it then be so it. Maybe you'll see yourself in me. Or just laugh at it. Who knows. Not me.
