love, archived

Prologue

Heartbreaks are hard.

That's all Sam truly knew about relationships. She knew that breakups meant a feeling so visceral that it made you sob until your nose became runny, until your throat became hoarse, and your head ached. 

But the worst part was how the heart ached; it felt so real, but how could that be if she was just sad? If she were just sad, these emotions weren't supposed to feel so real. 

Sam had been in only one relationship, a six-month one that left her ruined. She still shuddered as she remembered how she had cried, voiceless sobs and words that came out so broken that no one could understand her. She remembered one time, she had collapsed in the bathroom trying to scream, but no voice had come out.

And unfortunately, she had to bear it all alone. It wasn't as if she didn't have friends, she did, plenty of them but no one likes a wounded soul. People like it when you let your guard down and cry but only for the first couple of times after that the sympathy disappears and they look at you with impatience, they mask it but it's evident in the way of 

"This is the third time this week you have cried over him you know"

She had cried more but Sam tried to hide her grief as well as she could. She always felt her grief was a bit performative, whenever she broke down in her bathroom a part of her would concious staring at her in the mirror, seeing her eyes brimming, judging her contorted face and telling her that she was too dramatic.

And she felt she was, how she fell on the floor hugging her knees to her chest her mouth biting the collar of her shirt. The concious part of her would make her think as if she was playing a part in a movie, as if her grief wasnt real.

But even this wasn't the worst part since she still had to see the guy in her classes, she had to bend her neck stare at her feet as she scurried off pretending she never see him. 

It felt surreal how she could go from knowing everything about this person to not even having the guts to say hi, the whole relationship felt like a fever dream at times and she wished it was but that dull ache was there to remind her it wasn't.

Sometimes she felt as if he stared at her, she could thought she could feel his eyes burning holes into her head but she never dared to turn, how could she? What if she did and she caught him? What would that mean? 

Afraid to confront the present, she reminded herself of the hurt and continued on with her life. 

All she hoped for her college life was to hang out with her girlfriends, get a job and get out, after all she loathed the city and college and after her fiasco of a relationship she hated the people too. 

But valentine's day was coming

What an awful day is Valentine's day. A stupid capitalistic created event to sell roses and chocolates and all the other dumb couple things people do. 

Sam was above it all, so what she had been without a Valentine for the first 20 years of her life? How did that even matter in the grand scheme of things?

But even this wasn't enough to keep her from downloading a dating app, this time she was careful knowing how people judged girls here she set her location to her city. She wasn't interested in meeting the guys, after all no good guy hangs out on a dating app.

She matched with a guy named Shawn, who asked her if she was cool enough to be casual, she wondered if she should sent him over to her ex's place before settling on unmatching him.

After a number of requests for "pictures" and listening to other guys rant about how girls only want money and height, she came accross him.

Victor.

Her second mistake.