The Last Goodbye

I looked at the mirror one last time

And saw a girl I never met before

She has reddy nose and eyes

There are dried tears on her face

Her face reflects the sadness she felt inside

Her hair is tied in a ponytail

I tried to smile but it turned out to be a grimace

My mother called me from the living room

I took a deep breath and went out of my room

There I found the crowd that stayed in our house for days

“Let’s go” my mother simply announced

And we went to ride the white car I don’t want to see anymore

It started to move forward and my tears started to fall again

I wiped them away irritably but they kept on falling again

After a while, we arrived at the church

I don’t want to go inside but I have to

I sat at the front with my mother and brother

The ceremony started but I can’t make the details of it

I looked around and saw people I don’t recognize

Finally it’s the time for my speech so I stood up

I went to the podium while wiping my tears away

I grabbed the microphone weakly

I opened my mouth to speak but started crying again

I tried so hard to stop it but it just started to be worse

Knowing there’s nothing I could do, I just started speaking.

I could see my mother and brother sobbing on their seats

I saw my cousins and friends crying while looking at me pitifully

I piti myself too because I just lost someone

Someone who really loves me dearly

I finished the speech quickly because no matter how long I stay there,

I can’t put into words what I really feel

They won’t understand how lost and lonely I felt even if they say they do

There’s no word that can describe how alone I felt

The priest went to the white box on the middle front of the church

He started saying blessings I don’t recognize

My mother stood up and my brother followed

I can’t stand, my knees are so weak and my sobbings are louder this time

My brother gave me the bottle of holy water as I looked at the white box

I sobbed harder if it’s possible

He is so peaceful, he looks like he’s just sleeping

I don’t know what to do

After the ceremony, we went straight to the Cemetery

I got out of the car weakly

I know this would be the last time I would see him personally

It hurts a lot, knowing I would never be with him again

I know I would never hear his sweet voice again

The way he calls my name, the way he says how much he loves me

Th way he says he’s proud of me and the way he says thank you

I would never hold his hands again

The hands that always held my hands when we are walking

Those hands that always pat me kindly on my shoulders

Whenever he knows I am down and sad

I would never see his eyes that often look at me deeply

The eyes I grew to recognize and love

Those eyes that were just like mine

I would never hug him again

I cried harder at these realizations

They opened the coffin for the last time and I saw him for the last time

He’s smiling peacefully and I knew he’s happy

He’s happy to end the suffering he expreinced while he’s alive

He’s peaceful now, now that he won’t experience them again

I smiled while crying like I was crazy

Because I know he made everything right before he left us

He made sure our lives would be okay and happy

He made sure I have my future set ahead of me

He made sure we won’t suffer

He made all of these things in just a year

And I smiled because I am proud of him

“Thank you.” I said silently because I know he can hear me

I know I am the one who has to say thank you and not him

He loved me with all his life

He gave me a happy and satisfied life

He took care of me like I was his princess

But I did  and gave nothing in return

I just love him but he said thank you so often like my love was everything to him

Realizing that, my smile vanished and I started sobbing uncontrollably as they closed the casket

And it made me feel uncomplete

Knowing that he won’t see me graduate

He won’t be able to see me on my 18th birthday

He won’t be there on my wedding

And again, I realized I am too young for him to leave

That night, I was about to sleep when a cold air seemed to hug me

And again, I sobbed on my bed

I was so certain that it was him

Perhaps hugging me like he used to when he’s alive

I prayed hard, that he would be happy in afterlife

And then I thought something

I am sure he won’t be happy if I am sad

He told me that everytime I cry

So I wiped my tears away and smiled

‘Promise daddy, I would be happy and live life in the fullest.

Just like what you did. I will be strong and I won’t be a crying baby anymore.

Because I know that you are not here to protect me.

So I think it’s time to be a strong princess for the first time.’

I thought while smiling and tears starting to fall again

After that I saw a butterfly

And smiled knowing he’ll still guide me even if I can’t see him

So I kissed the air and hugged my pillow

Saying my last goodbye to my King

My best friend, my teacher, my true love

And my FATHER