Didn't Know How To Ask

Like I'm Not Even There

Chapter Song: 4Runner by Brenn

Sit back and Enjoy!!

Buck hasn't looked me in the eyes in days. Not really.

And that used to mean something. It used to be ours — the glances that said a thousand things without either of us having to say a single word.

He could read me like a book. I didn't even have to try.

Now it's someone slammed the covers shut and locked the pages.

And I don't know how to get back in.

At work, he goes through the motions. Loading gear. Cleaning up. Riding next to me on calls like he's just another firefighter.

Not the guy who once held my hand under the rubble.

Not the guy who used to read the bedtime stories to my kid when I was too wrecked to keep my voice steady.

Not the guy who never made me feel alone until now.

I asked Hen if she noticed. She nodded. Quietly. Didn't say much — just looked sad.

Even Bobby's careful around Buck lately, like he's walking on cracked glass. We all are.

But I'm the one who can't stop wondering what the hell I did wrong.

I mean...maybe I pushed too hard. Maybe I showed up too much, asked too many questions, got too close. Maybe I asked him about "💓" contact because I was jealous and didn't want to admit it.

Maybe I ruined this.

I'm not even sure what "this" is.

But I know what it is.

It was easy.

It was laughter and late night conversations and trust.

It was letting Buck  in — deeper than I've ever let anyone go — and not being afraid of it.

Until he started shutting the door.

And I don't know if he'll ever open it again.

He joked with Chim this morning. The way he used to with me.

That smile he gave him? 

I remember it used to be mine.

And when he would joke with me.

When he enjoyed being around me.

When we would have fun movie night with Christopher together.

When it was us against the world.

And all I could think was :

"Damn...he really doesn't see me anymore."