Not Quite Alright || Buddie

Making it Right

Hurt someone he cared about. Lied. Left him standing there. Let him think that he was the problem.

He ran. Away from Buck, away from his feelings. At the time it really did feel like the only choice, but he never paused to think that he could feel the way he felt and not deserve some sort of punishment for it. It never crossed his mind that simply feeling didn't have to mean he was betraying his family.

And he never thought to pause and talk to Shannon. He never thought that she could feel any way but the exact way he assumed she would feel. He never thought there would be any nuance. And maybe he should have. Maybe he should have been honest with his wife first, but he thought he could just spend the rest of his life protecting her from who he truly was.

He was wrong; he was weaker than he thought, but maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's good that he no longer plans to spend the rest of his life lying to himself and his family.

But he still has to undo what he did, and it doesn't seem there is any way to simply undo it.

But that's all terribly complicated, so he says the simplest of all the things. "I hurt someone I care about. There isn't a simple fix. I can't just walk up and apologize and hope everything gets better. He has a right to be mad at me even if I do apologize, even if I did tell him the truth, which I am... just not ready to do."

"Okay... I get it. It's... more complicated than I want it to be, than you want it to be. Just... try and not let it tear you apart while you figure it out? Because like I said, I care about you, but your mood and the way you feel does impact our family."

"I know, I know, and that's why I didn't want to drag you into it, into my feelings. I didn't want it to impact you. I guess I did forget that that happens no matter what I do to stop it though... Like I said, I'll go to class, and... if he's even there, I guess maybe I'll try to talk to him."

"Good, it's a start."

Eddie wants to do the right thing for Buck, and the right thing for his family... Maybe he should consider the fact that there is a very real possibility Buck will never want to talk to him again and that maybe he'll just have to let him go. That maybe that's the right thing to do to make up for what he did, let Buck move on.

But if he says that to Shannon, she'll think he's just trying to push it all off, which is not what he's trying to do. It's just a very real possible outcome to the position he's put himself in.

After breakfast, Eddie cleans up while Shannon finishes getting ready for work. He gets Chris up and out of his crib, bringing him into the living room where he'll spend some time with him before Janet gets there, before it's time to leave for class.

He wouldn't be surprised if Buck didn't even show up, if he started avoiding him. He wouldn't blame him, but he would feel terrible. He knows how much school is important to Buck too.

When Janet gets there, he goes into the bathroom, fixing up his hair a little bit, shaving because he has the time. He gathers his stuff, heading out the door and down to the bus stop. He waits there for not too long until his bus comes along.

Each bit of the way there, every stop of the bus, turn of a corner, he feels sicker and sicker. The thought of being in the same room as Buck and not really being able to do anything... The thought of what his face might look like when he sees him, something that'll no doubt break his heart, make him feel worse than he already does.

Once it's his stop, he has to wait just a second before he forces himself out of his seat, just in time to actually make it off the bus. He stands, staring at the front doors of the building he has to enter. He thinks about running back, going the opposite direction, leaving it alone. But then either he'd have to deal with Shannon being terribly disappointed in him, or he'd have to lie to her, which he's done doing.