Jax x Reader ~Enemies to Lovers~

Chapter Twenty Three: I hate nightmares.

Anyway...this journal entry is getting long, so I will quit writing and go to bed. This day has been hell, but...there were some good moments. Just not many. Whatever. I'm tired and I will FINALLY get long awaited rest.

I took a deep breath, finally finishing the journal entry of the day. I don't know why I keep track anymore of the days, or bother writing in here. Maybe it's because it's the only thing helping me know how many days has passed, along with what happens each day. Kind of like it helps organize my thoughts on a piece of paper. Or something. I don't know. I never really wrote much in the real world, I don't know why I'm bothering.

I put away the journal and pen, in the usual place that I put it for the night, and slowly close my eyes, drifting off to sleep. However, this sleep was not as peaceful as it usually was.

***

I was working on a sandcastle with F/N, trying to make everything as detailed as possible. Not just to waste time, but because we believed that crabs or any other sand-life could live in the castle if we made it big enough and gave it actual detail on the inside and outside. So yes, this sand castle was more intricate than most that is normally made, hence why it's the best one on shore.

However, I could tell F/N was getting tired of working on the castle by how slow their movements seemed to be, compared to how they usually move.

"Um...are you doing okay?" I heard myself speaking, though I didn't feel my mouth move at all. It just sort of...happened

They halted their movements entirely, making my heart beat out of my chest.

"Why did you leave me?" Their voice sounded cold. Void of any sort of friendly emotion that I was so used to hearing from them.

"What?" I gasped out, my heart feeling like it leaped into my throat. Suddenly the entire beach atmosphere around us dissipated entirely, and instead of the soft yet rough sand, the cold water of the ocean encapsulated my body completely, leaving my body to slowly float there. I couldn't talk. I couldn't move. All I heard was THEIR voice. All around me. Everywhere.

"It's all your fault, you know? You could have saved me instead of just 'saving yourself.' You're selfish. All you think about is yourself."

Those words continued repeating in my head over and over and over and over and over and over and over...

Until I slowly drowned.

***

My eyes jerked wide open as I started catching my breath, small gasps leaving my mouth like waves. My heart hammered inside my chest. The only thing I heard in my silent room was my quick breathing and my sporadic heart beat.

I tried to calm down myself as I took in the world around me. I was still in the circus. I'm fine. I'm not in the ocean, and I can't heard F/N's voice anymore. I'm fine. I'm all good. Just focus on your breathing, Y/N...just focus. I can't let my anxiety get to me right now. I've been doing that too much lately. I'm not dying, and it was just a nightmare. I. Am. Fine.

However, regardless of the attempts to calm myself down, I just...couldn't. It felt like my throat was closing up as F/N's words from my nightmare continued playing in my head. Selfish. Is that really all I am? I mean...I didn't think so. I try my best, and that's all people can ask for. Yet, maybe I AM selfish.

I'm the one that wanted to leave Callie's adventure because of my own fear. I'm the one that never checks up on others, even when they check up on me. I'm the one that makes everything about myself. Maybe I am selfish. Maybe it IS my fault that they died.

I couldn't stay cooped up in my room at this point. I needed to talk to someone, or at least get out of my room. If I keep this up, maybe I'll be the next abstraction at this rate. But even so, who would even miss me if I did abstract?

Okay, I GOT to stop and try talking to somebody about this, even if it's somebody I rarely talk to, like Pomni or even Ragatha (even though I would prefer to not talk to her randomly about my problems, especially after I shrugged her feelings aside today after the adventure). I swung my legs over to the side of the bed and planted my feet on the ground, making my way out of my bedroom, trying to stop my legs from shaking.

I didn't know what time it was right now, but since I'm the only one out of my room, it's probably the middle of the night for all I know. Who would even be awake at this time...? And why am I so insistent on talking to someone? I don't need anybody. I'm normally fine on my own, and yet...

Without thinking about it, I suddenly stopped at Jax's door. Wait. Why was my first instinct to go to HIM? Do I really need him out of all people? He's, like, the most intolerable person here. What am I even thinking?

Well, either I've completely lost it, or lost all hope, since I sucked it up and knocked on his door, waiting for a reply. Honestly, I doubted he would even respond, even if he WAS awake. Which I doubt he wouldn't. Who would be awake at this time of--

I heard footsteps approaching the door after a moment, which made my heart escalate even quicker. Either I could:

One, dash back to my room, ignoring the self deprecating feelings that are circulating in my head right now.

Two, just suck it up and wait for him to open the door.

Or three, slowly die on the inside and wait for inevitable doom by making my problems HIS business like some sort of burden.

But, before I picked any of the three plausible options, the door to Jax's room slowly opened.

~~~

Yeahh...I know this chapter was probably a disappointment, since there was no Jax action. There was going to be, but I didn't feel like working on this chapter for wayyy longer, and sometimes I like making unnecessary cliff hangers to keep you waiting longer. Besides, next chapter will be solely Jax action and maybe some sweet moments, I'm still thinking about how I want the interaction to go, so...you will have to wait some more if you want to see how Jax will respond to Y/N. Though, I am sorry if this chapter was boring to read or if it wasn't interesting, I still tried my best, and I promise the next chapter will be SOLELY Jax stuff. So you should look forward to that, I guess. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day/night, however! <33

-Sincerely, CB